Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Pure Bagger

weens
Weens has come out of no where to be stomping on the frozen penises of the Cat3 pack this year. With six wins out of 15 races he has given pack fodder a new meaning. When he wins, its by a margin of minutes. r5 wants to know what this dude has been huffin. Dude has amassed 33 points, more than P-Cole-Train got last year!

Raggedy Andy its time to move on to a real challenge and CTFU!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

She Bags! She Bags! She Bags!

Chewbecca
Ladies and gentlemen, r5 presents to you sandbaggerkc's first girl-bagger!
Even though Chewbecca probably eats dinner at 3pm and is in bed by the early evening newscast, she races like she just stole a pack of hearing aid batteries from Walgreens. Her record is littered with 1's and 2's: this year she has no less than 6 wins and 5 second places!! Chewbecca could jump into the "men's" 4s and eat all their lunches and you know a few of those guys could stand to go on a diet.

On a scale of 1-10, Chewbecca scores a 9. -1 for the funky socks.

PS: A reminder to St Louis CX'ers as to whats to come this weekend....

Monday, November 15, 2010

Barely (UCI) Legal

Which is wider? This dude's cx tires:
adamP
Or:
wideload

M'Adam Broslice* punked our local band of misfits 4's by minutes, rubbing it in by popping a wheelie at the finish, then proceeded to line up and destroy the 3's too. Even Moses Fancher could not keep up. Checking out M'Adams record before this weekend he had only done 4 races, winning 3 of them so he's pretty much a newly minted 'bagger. So r5 is calling our our local racers for getting CLOWNED by some noob from Iowa on monster truck tires who before last month had no record of racing anywhere r5 could find. What the hell happened out there to you guys? Yall musta eaten at the same restaurant the Chiefs did over the weekend. That was seriously a pathetic effort guys. Its the second year in a row some out of towner came in and kicked your asses.

Now theres only a few more weeks till state so you guys better change out your maxis or next thing you know you'll get reemed by some dude from that joke of a cx scene from St Louis.

* update- this is Broslice

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Rougher than rough

death
This is a "Spiral of Death." It does not belong on a cx course. However r5 heard that the farm was a sweet venue for cross and hope it remains a mainstay in the local scene.

ham
This is a Spiral of Ham. It belongs in r5's belly.

Congrats to Tristina for CTFU and doing a 3/4 race. 10th out of 21 is solid for his first 3's race. He will only get better racing with faster dudes. For you 4's thinking about making the move, jump in a 3/4 race and see where you stand. There are lots of slow fattys in the 3's that will be easy pickins.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Taking it like a man

Tristina
What more can r5 say? If you can still podium in that getup, theres no doubt yer a bagger!

Its a shame 360 and none of the Open guys got into the holiday spirit. Bunch of fun-haters. r5 bets those guys all had their lights off Halloween night too. Can't have no candy in the house when you're still trying to fit into that wedding dress. And no P-Coletrain, that nasty Mr Goodbody skinsuit doesn't count. Its a wonder more people don't crash while sitting behind you.

Cat3 baggers, your time is almost up...

Monday, October 25, 2010

Oops She Bagged it Again

tristina
Yeah, Tristina did it again and stomped the beginner 4's. Seriously, s/he should double up and do the womens field as well (I bet lil KRocket would smoke him). Forget the rules and the fact that he has way more than enough points to upgrade already. Look at who he is currently racing against and decide on how proud you should be to stomp the slow kids. Do "stand up guys" beat down on guys like this:
Pecker
Look, if you can ride hard for 30 minutes and safely clear the barriers while holding in the puke, then you can go ahead and get out of the 4's.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, Tristina scores a 12.

On a related note, r5 heard that the "first timers" race was a success. Maybe this type of event should be added to future races. Congrats to the dozen or so new racers who are now eligible to be called out!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Tri-Baggin

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This mail order bike riding sack-less wuss has been baggin the 4's for THREE YEARS. In 2008 he had TWO WINS and 7 top 6 finishes in 11 races overall. Two years later he's still in the 4s and bagged a win and a 2nd over the weekend, losing only to Roger Dodger but still a solid minute ahead of the Fat4s. Yeah, he's waaaay over due to CTFU. Since he does have a girl's name, he might as well line up with the women as well.

On a scale of 1-10, this dude scores an 11. +1 for the internet bike.

r5's advice to the 4s who are getting smoked by the same top 5 baggers: go ahead an CTFU and ditch those douches. Racing against faster guys for twice the distance WILL MAKE YOU FASTER. There is no glory in winning the 4's.

And for you folks who are inspired by this blog to someday be a bagger too, come out to Smithville this weekend for the beginners race. There is the regular so called "cat4 beginners" category where you'll find 'baggers like Tristan, and for this weekend only, a true "never done this before beginners category" and FREE clinic at 9am. Some of the snotty roadies out there may make it seem like an elite closed scene but once you pin on a number, you are every bit a part of the CX community.

r5 has added a new poll feature so you too can vote. Results will be added to each entry later.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dipsy doo douch-eroo!

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Whats worse than a sandbagger? A goddamn cheater!! r5 got a bunch of reports about dudes who thought it would be cool to ride around the barriers at Cross Out Cancer. Like Fun-Bobby until r5 and other racers started yelling at him for being a big douche. This picture is what you call karma, jackass.

You are at a cross race which is supposed to be fun. You are raising money to fight cancer which sucks. So you chumps who rode around the barriers must hate fun and love cancer.

Like this dude who should know much better- (correction: upon further review of the pictures, Shmalt-liquor just about ate it and was avoiding a wipeout so he is excused)
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Those of you who cheated disrespected your fellow racers and the small but dedicated Livestrong Army who worked hard to put on a great race. Contador may have juiced. The whole peloton probably is juiced. But at least none of them got caught taking a detour around the Tourmalet.

On a scale of 1-10, you assholes who rode around the barriers score a +15 on the douchebag scale.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Roger Dodger

Roger
There seems to be a dearth of 3's this year with the open class at Boss Cross being the larger field! Could it be the crazy ass 60 minute race time? Or could it be some of the 4's are big time baggin'??

This Cat3 dodgin bagger is off to an impressive start to the year: a 2nd at Manions and two wins last weekend in the porked out 4's (boy was that a fat boy course). With at least 18 points scored and 11+ starts, this dude is done in the 4's.

On a 'bagger scale of 1-10, he gets a 7. -1 for the tattoo. +1 for the wussy wrist warmers- damn it wasnt that cold! Shake the sand out of your vajay-jay Roger and CTFU!

Monday, September 27, 2010

LocalSandbaggin.com


This dude is like the Tilford of the 4's. Moses Fancher is almost as old as the hills but is crushing dudes who will be subsidizing his Medicare for the next few decades. He might arrive on a Jazzy, but he races like an InATub taco through your digestive tract.

Check out his record in the CX4 "BEGINNERS" category:
-21+ races since 2007
-6 wins: FIVE last year and starting off 2010 with another one on what will be one of the toughest courses of the season at Manion's Cross.
-Countless top5's
-Way more than enough points to upgrade.
-His TT times places him in the Cat2 range, coming within seconds of guys like Bleser, Weinbeck and Price, and beating guys like Songer and Bissell who are all racing CX3 and above.

Its time for Moses to stop toying with the boys in the 20 minute race and start ripping legs in the 50+ minute 3's where he belongs.

On a scale of 1-10, this dude scores an 11. +1 for starting off the new season with a friggin win.

EDIT:
r5 forgot to mention that it appears that the Crashovita crew struck gold with this venue. The hillside course flowed smoothly and had lots of great features. You wouldn't know you were in Kansas with the view from the top. The beer was flowing, the tacos frying, and cowbells banging. 2010 KC cross season is off to a good start.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Corn-hole-shot

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When r5 was in college, an anatomy professor was lecturing on the digestive system and stated that it takes 8 hours for food to go from mouth to butt. r5 knew better and wanted to know "Why does corn come out quicker?" Professor was stumped.

As cyclocross mirrors life, r5 found a couple of kernels from Nubraska in the sandbagging pile of turd worthy of being called out:
Crist the Cornking and Husker-DooDoo-Schmidt.
Last year at Capital Cup, Cornking had a big crash yet still motored up to finish 2nd, dusting a solid local field. At Boulevard Cup, he simply rode away from the outclassed pack. With high placings at Jingle Cross, he cemented his status as a bagger who definitely needs to CTFU.

His buddy Husker-Doodoo-Schmidt finished 23 races as a Cat4 in 2009, winning one and placing top 5 multiple times. His cat4 tenure has almost been as long as Pumpkin' Head's who finally appears to have CTFU'd this year.

On a scale of 1-10, both of these guys score perfect 10s.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Rosco P COLE-TRAIN

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This seasons's first official CX post begins where we started off last year. At KC Cup Cyclocole showed us all that he had been ready for the open class since the Bush years. r5 heard he demolished the field at Swope, finishing second only to Deuce-Bagalow. Was there any doubt that he was 'baggin big time last year??? It'll be interesting to see how he does on a course with a little less singletrack against the boys in orange. r5 predicts that Bill will be tossing his bike more than once this year after getting smoked by Cowtown. And speaking of which, the orange let down in Hermann doesn't count since it was only two friggin laps. Come to KC and get another taste, Shotgun.

A new feature this year will be the anti-baggers of the week. Dudes who might wanna cat-the-fuck-down after last weeks performance:

1. Richard Who-Dat: dude almost got called out last year, CTFU like a man, but got lapped by all the 3's at Swope.

2. Poo-Face: dude got called out in the 3's last year, but then also proceeded to get thoroughly smoked at Swope.

3. Oh-Face: dude wants to race open but got smoked by St Louis racers in the 3s!??

4. Haynes-her-way: dude should just be doing the girls race. Juniors that is.

And finally whats up with all you road weenies wrapping your bikes and faces around the trees in the singletrack? Props to 360 for making a CX course thats a little more CHALLENGing than a roll in the hay with your second cousin.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

St Louis Rammed


The only thing r5 hates more than a sandbagger is St Louis inferiority complex. Football, baseball, rappers, and now cyclocross- KC be kickin your asses all across the board. r5 has checked out the St Loser cross scene and it is some serious weak sauce. Probably the same nasty sauce you spread on that crackers and cheese concoction you call PIZZA.

r5's prediction for Hermann Cross this weekend: a podium sweep by the boys in orange. (BTW what the hell is Luke doing lining up for the 3's??) FrozeBalls, Bigshark, Dogfish you all are gonna get bent.

r5 is also issuing a challenge for STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS: load up the shortbus and get your lazy asses over here and see if you can even sniff the podium in ANY CATEGORY.

It'll be like 1985 again and our 'baggers will get Denkinger on your asses.

Monday, August 30, 2010

High Fiiiive!

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So after finally CTFU, young Bend Over promptly gets picked up by TradeWhine and immediately starts kickin ass in the next category- 8th at HHH last weekend! So all you 'baggin pussies out there take note: step it up to the next level and you might find yourself more than ready to issue a beatdown.

Cross is coming up soon and r5 has a feeling there will be plenty of material this season. If you completed a series in the 4's last year, you best be in the 3's this year. And if you were a regular on the podium in the 3's, we better be seeing you giving Bill's boys in orange your best shot. r5 hears he's been keeping them nice a shaven...

Monday, August 16, 2010

I need TP for my bunghole!

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Dear Mercy cycling bullies,
Please quit sandbagging TNW and take your "I'm gonna stomp on your weak ass Cat3 breaks and not pull"-asses and go do your own crits somewhere else. We'll even give you a box of Burger King crowns to give to Shadd since none of the pussies around here can sprint for shit.
Sincerely,
360, SuckKC, and Can-I-Please-Get-A-Piece-of-the-sprint-JoePud

ps- um yeeah, if you go ahead and take Tradewhine with you thatd be great!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Lemme lemme up-grade!

joeh
On the opposite end of the sandbagging spectrum we have Joe-used-to-weigh-a-ton the anti-bagger! Check out his results and try to figure out how he upgraded to 3! Highlights of his six Cat4 races: 2 DNPs, one top 10 and pissing off at least one 360 dude per crit. At least r5 can count on one higher placing when he races against Mini-Me!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Cliff Hangover

mercy
KC road season is practically at an end and as much as r5 loves cross, its a tad too hot for skinsuits and Mad Alchemy. Maybe a few of the new teams in town should join together to fulfill their USAC obligation to sponsor a race...(cough innatubba-bigdavita-shackstrong)

While SKC proved that it is possible to put on a race in KillaCity and post results in a timely manner, course design could use some work. Cliff Drive of course is the best and toughest race in the area. Guys who PUSS OUT on Cliff Drive and just do the crits should be forced to ride in fishnets and on tampons jammed into their seatposts. Even r5 has been known to haul his fat ass up the gooseneck. Suck it up and race it bitches.

Longview is just plain whack. Dump it and sub in KCK if you can't find something else. Power and Light should either actually be in Power and Light or at least be lengthened to more than the circumference of Butt'r Ball's gut. With a half mile crit, gettin lapped and watching Mercy refuse to chase is as inevitable as a Crashovita pile up. What we need around here is a few more hungry 1-2's that arent wearing blue or green which brings us back to the whole point of this blog...

CTFU repeat offenders and doublebaggers galore this weekend!
Dudes who are well on there way to the next cat:
Hershey Squirts, Alicks-Two-Firstnames-Roberts, Don't-Call-Me-Suge-Knight, The Original Bagger Cole, Kent-I-have-cool-tats-like-Nashbaggers
Dudes who are way overdue and who's parents should be way ashamed of:
I-Wont-CTFU-Because-I-Race-for-DOUCHO-TEK-Stover, I-Keep-Eatin-Buttr-and-Still-winning-Hollaron

On a positive note, previously called out 'bagger Skinnnner! finally CTFU and DID JUST FINE AT THE NEXT LEVEL.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Dirty 'Dish

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Boy Racer makes a late race detour to Taco Bell and...
Photobucket
makes The Mummy proud!

Ok, WHAT THE FUCK is with the Cat3's around here who are still yelling "INSIDE"?!!? I thought that shit was just the province of 4's and 5's. If you have the inside line, then TAKE IT. If you can't take it, then SHUT THE FUCK UP because no one is gonna let you through. And also if you are going to contest the last lap at Tuesday Night Throwdown, HOLD YOUR FUCKING LINE AND DONT SIT UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SPRINT!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Tulsa T-Huff

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Despite Jim Twittaker's challenge to the local cycling community to develop more Cat1-2 racers, he seems not to apply it to his own team full of sandbaggers. In case you missed it, he said:
"I challenge the KC Metro area cycling community to develop more Cat 1 and Cat 2 riders so that my team of baggers can sit in the lower categories and rake in the dough."
Young Bent-Over had a tremendous weekend in Tulsa with a win and a 2nd despite holding back on the first night due to his own admission that he didn't want to get a forced upgrade. This wasn't no podunk circus race around the campground where he dominated the local 3/4's early in the spring and accumulated more than enough points to upgrade. This was some for real competition against other well known 'baggers. Don't go down the Cryin-Ryan lifetime Cat3 path, its not too late for you Ben. You are more than ready.

Speaking of Butt'r Ball Turkey, despite eating all those sticks of butter and not having time to train because unlike ANYONE ELSE WHO RACES, HE HAS A JOB AND A FAMILY, he continues to sandbag and grabbed himself a 2nd and 3rd this past weekend. He is an inspiration to all the fat kids out there developing their fast-twitch fibers chasin down the icecream man. Gimme a break, its time for you to CTFU!

And BTW JB, r5 gives you the OK to downgrade after watching you get blown off the back of our 3's field. At least you raced, UNLIKE THE REST OF KANSAS CITY. Not a single 360 or D's Recycling or Epic jersey in sight in Tulsa. WTF?

For those of you who pussed out and stayed home, you missed out- Tulsa knows how to put on a party! How about we try lining the gooseneck at Cliff Drive with a few kegs drums and trombones?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Stay off my lawn you Pinkos

Rapha: Because roadies don't look like big enough tools with their shaved legs rolling around looking straight out of DC Comics... Can't afford $200 for a jersey? No problem!

pinktape
BAM! All for a buck 99!!
tux

And speaking of threads, r5 is expecting some royalty checks from those unlicensed T-shirts that have been going around...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Joe Martin


First off, congrats to Schmalz-Liquor for getting 2nd overall in the 1-2 field. r5 remembers when he was gettin smoked out at Spring Fling...when he was 14. Damn dude, can I get a loan? r5 needs some new Grifos.

With a win in the RR and a 5th overall is there any doubt now that Skinnnnnner needs to CTFU?? r5 hears that the 3's are where the chicks be puttin out. And WTF are they feeding you guys out in east-Jack?

Maybe the mummy should change his blog motto to "Joy is ON the pavement beneath my machine, I am miles ON my back." r5 has a bottle Wild Turkey for ya if you ever finish a race upright.

And speaking of wrecks, if you dont like road rash, you'd best give Swerve-ford a wide berth. Yet another front wheel loses a battle to his rear derailleur:
Joe Martin crash, Iowa crash. Seriously, what the hell? Either too many people are overlapping wheels or somebody needs to quit making sudden moves...

And finally, heal up quick DP.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

SKINNNNERRRR!!!!

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Dude, time to CTFU!
10 top 5's and + two top 10's = SANDBAGGER!
Until then, the Crit-Nazi says: NO A-RACE FOR YOU!

And BTW, when the hell is Bike Shack gonna update their ugly ass kits??

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Wheelie-Kool!

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What the hell is in the water up north of the river? Seems to have shrunk the balls of many racer wannabes.

TrainWrong and NimWit, have spent THREE FRIGGIN YEARS slummin it in the 5's with dozens of mass starts and consistent top 10 finishes and even a couple of wins. Time for these two in the yellow and blue to CTFU and make some room for Cookie.

BTW- Bonebender totally put the area road scene to SHAME with a turnout greater than all the road races this year. Beer, hotdogs, and babes: shit you never see roadies get a sniff of. While you shaved leg weenies are drinking your recovery concoctions, we're taking recovery rides with your wives.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Forced Baggin'

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Tell r5 how this makes sense:
"The 2010 NEET criterium series is drawing 75% of its riders from category 1-3. As a result, beginning April 6 the "A" event will consist of category 1-3 riders and the "B" event will host categories 4-5."

Cat4's have been doing the A-race for years without a problem. Some of them finish in the top 10. Even some 5's have snuck in on occasion. So why the change now? r5's guess is that 360 wants the equivalent of taking the ball home and not letting anyone else play.
This is what typically happens in the B-race: about 10 guys simply ride off the front without having to attack while the remaining 30 dudes time trial for about 30 minutes. Pack skills learned= ZERO. Cornering skills learned= ZERO.
What do you think will happen when you force the Cat4's who have been hangin in the A-race at 28mph to ride the B-race where the average speed is closer to 21? Its gonna be 40 dudes who paid $60 to ride in a bike rodeo. The 4's might as well go hammer the yuppie racer wanna-bes group rides like Blue Moose. At least thats free and they probably won't have to look at any stupid ass 360 jerseys.

And BTW, if you were part of the pack that dropped out last night after the rain, then you should be forced to do the B-race because you're a bunch of pussies.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Smokin' Tweed

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r5 was a little sick of having grown men starin at his spandexed ass so instead of playing Nascar on bikes, he sandbagged the "Tweed Ride." r5 easily scored the hole shot and trounced the field, even having enough time to button up his vest and straighten his mustache at the finish line, finally experiencing what its like to be a true 'bagger. The most glorious part of the day though? Not a single 360 jersey in sight! Truly a happy Easter indeed.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Merry Crits-Mass

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r5 thinks is pretty damn cool that Santa Fe Bikes gets all these people into racing. There was nothin but a sea of black and gold at the latest Spring Flings cuz all the other posers in town are too scared of a little moisture. (thats what she said) What happened to all the Bike Shack and Cycle City baggers that used to populate the 5's?

Gotta say a couple things though: this is a damn crit, so whats up with the JB'ing up front and dudes all on their hoods? I only see one dude in proper racing position. He will be a future sandbagger for sure.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

NEET-O!


Whats up with you wusses taking smoke breaks last night? Its a CRIT- NOT A UNION JOB! Looks like r5 wasn't the only one pounding sacks of Cheetos in mama's basement over the winter.
BTW, road racing boring. Cross is for real man.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Masters-bation


Poor poor masters racers! How dare those crash-5's interfere with your race! How dare that ambulance hauling out a seriously injured rider block the course! Who wants to get blood on their precious crabon-fiber bike?!
For you masters riders who bitched about the 5's crashing and holding you up, go fuck yerselves and enjoy your DQ!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Theo Bos-Hog


Pop quiz:
Matt can be found off the front because:
a) he's sandbaggin
b) no one wants to be anywhere near him

r5 has given him his official nickname: The Mummy because he's always wrapped up in gauze.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Cat None


Heard there were only a couple 1/2's lined up today at Perry. PATHETIC. Whats worse than a sandbagger is a bunch of fat pussies who won't race. What kind of motivation is this for all the Cat3 'baggers to CTFU? Well, I bet Butt'rball Turkey is turned on...

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Do you have the balls?


TO GO KAMIKAZE BIKING WITH r5??

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Crash 5's


r5 has some road rash and palm burns to work on...
We'll continue with your regularly scheduled 'bagger baggin real soon.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Butt'rBall Turkey


This tub o' lard has been a Cat3 since he was riding with Jesus. 6+ years in the 3's is waaay too long for someone who ain't over 40 and who has nothin else to do but ride his bike and eat sticks of butter. Maybe all the time spent slathering the chamois cream on his nuts has shrunk them.

Here is what r5 has that he will not be able to dispell about his past:
1. he has been racing since approx 1994.
2. since june of 2004 he has placed top five in no less than 31 events.
3. since june of 2004 he has placed first in 6 events and holds one state championship.
4. he consistantly picks events that host a cat 3/4 race rather than a cat 2/3 event or cat 3 only to ensure that he will have a good placing. This is confirmed by usacycling stats.
5. he has not CTFU since 2004 when he clearly had accumulated enough points and placings to do so.
2004 3 top 5's
2005 8 top 5's
2006 6 top 5's
2007 6 top 5's
2008 1 top 5
2009 4 top 5's

He's a prime example of a roadie bagger who stops just short of getting a mandatory upgrade while cherry pickin races he knows he'll score some cash prizes in. He's part of the reason why there is no Cat1/2 race at Spring Fling anymore.

On a scale of 1 to 10, this guy scores an 11. -1 for actually being able to win with all those spare tires. +2 because he looks like he stiffs bartenders and never buys rounds.

Oh, and does anyone know why in the fuck they scheduled the Velotek GP on the same weekend as the Sheehan Road Race?? Its not like we're overflowing the fields here or anything.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Road Awakening


You non-cyclocrossing, five wide riding, "hold your line" yelling, red light blowing, king of the group ride Lance-wannabes are next. r5 is your redneck in the F150 horns blaring sandbagger caller outer.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Double Baggin'


Some people gotta 'bag to get a win whether its road or mud.
When you are a former domestic pro who isn't exactly over the hill and you enter the B-race at Cross Nat's then you are a bagger. r5 doesn't care that citizenship issues kept him out of the Elite race. If you used to race for Jelly Belly and Successful Living, then you shouldn't be pumping your fist afer you stomped a bunch of cat 2-3-4's.

Moving onto the road, at day one at Tulsa Tough last year, he gets smoked in the P/1 field where he actually belongs by a lot of his former pro teammates. So what does the bagger do for a win? He enters the 1/2 race the next two days even though the rest of his teammates are doing the P/1. Anything for a win! Awesome job you professional bagger!

On a scale of 1-10, he's a 12. +1 for cheating and taking an illegal pit bike at HPT. +1 for not taking off your helmet for the national anthem.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Will the Real r5 please stand up? Please stand up!


This is a public service announcement brought to you in part by r5.
"r5 does not give an eff what you think.
If you don't like it, you can suck his effin wiener.
Little did you know, upon visiting this blog, you have just kissed his ass.
r5 is fed up with your sh't.
And he's gonna keep callin out the baggers."

Skate or Die!


This is an example of a dude who like an unwashed chamois probably stuck around too long in the 4's.
Here are his Cat4 results in 2009:
12/38, 12/34, 5/39, 3/27, 3/26, 3/28, 1/11* Nov1, 3/40, 3/25.

After a string of four top 5's, he breaks through with a win at Sunflower Cross on November 1st. This is probably where he should've moved on up and made room in the 4's for the next bagger. To his credit, he often doubled up and did the 3/4's which further showed that he was more than ready to get out of the beginner's class. And it does appear that he CTFU to 3 at the start of 2010. But r5 reserves the right to retroactively call out baggers.

On a 'bagger scale of 1-10, he scores a 6.8. Bonus point for the cool tattoos and not looking like your typical cycling douchebag.

Friday, February 5, 2010

KC Sandbagger internet meme weekender edition


Someone suggested that I call this dude out but crossresults must be busted because I can't find his results. So instead, we'll do dopplegangers and urban dictionary entries since its all the rage.

Urban Dictionary entry for JB:

1. To trip over a barrier:
Dude I got so wasted last night that I JB'd over that hooker when I got up in the middle of the night to read Kc Sandbagger.

2. To incessantly jibber jabber while others are trying to concentrate:
Dude I missed my damn callup because my teammate wouldn't stop JBing and made me accidently slather Mad Alchemy on my nuts.

3. To completely blow:
Dude I was tryin to hang with Marshall and the boys up Renner but completely JBed and pretended like I got a flat.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Race of the Year?

Kansas State Championships

Cold, wet and sloppy?

Or

Topeka HPT Grand Prix

Hot, fast and dry?

Which was your favorite race of the year?
I know how your wife likes it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Steve V.


Dunno nothin about his bike handling skills but it appears as though he can handle a triple axe.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Give Away Contest!


Stay tuned folks!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Kansas City is King of the B's


You usually don't go accusing Cat1's of sandbagging because what are they supposed to CTFU to next? There aint no Chuck Norris CX category yet.

But still, you can't help but raise an eyebrow when you check the results of the so called "B" race at cross nationals and find that the winner is a Cat1. Second place was also a Cat1, but the rest of the top 10 finishers were 2's and 3's. So either he should not be in a race labelled as "B" and he was big time baggin, or they need to better define what "B" means. Its a question that others have brought up as well.

We all know what "B" means for the roadies out at the Tuesday nighter. For others, "B" means trolling the 2AM crowd at Blonde for some fat drunk chick to take home because the ladies at Biggs weren't havin it. And for r5, "B" means bustin out the Butt'r and Barelylegal-dot-com because his Real Doll sprung a leak.

As I understand it, Cat1 is elite. And it appears as though there is an "Elite" class and an "Open" masters class at nationals so you get to do more than one race with all that travel. At least he didn't pump his damn fist like a certain ex-pro did for winning the B's at Tiffany Springs in 08.

So F-it, maybe KC should dust off Tilford and send him to Oregon next year and make it three in a row. He could probably win the B's on a Huffy with two flat tires.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I hate steering



This tri-geek must be allergic to his handlebars...

Spring Fling is just around the corner and with that brings a new crop of potential baggers. For some folks, this is their "A" race- an early peak in hopes of scoring cheap upgrade points. For others, its a great chance to get a one day license and "start over" as a Cat5 and win a neat little ribbon by stomping on the fresh meat. Yeah, you know who you are.

Normally r5 encourages upgrading out of the 5's as soon as you get your 10 starts and aren't getting dropped. But there are some that no matter how fast they are, should NEVER be allowed in a race because they did not bother to learn how to steer. Lets hope that chainring to the forehead he got from riding like an idiot and crashing out a whole mess of riders in his first 3/4 race keeps this guy from coming back again.