Monday, February 8, 2010

Will the Real r5 please stand up? Please stand up!


This is a public service announcement brought to you in part by r5.
"r5 does not give an eff what you think.
If you don't like it, you can suck his effin wiener.
Little did you know, upon visiting this blog, you have just kissed his ass.
r5 is fed up with your sh't.
And he's gonna keep callin out the baggers."

56 comments:

  1. Eminem is r5! Man, i never saw that coming.

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  2. Now we know what 'bagger' means.

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  3. That's about a disgusting as seeing a 360 jersey or jacket.

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  4. Confusus say ..
    Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

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  5. Point made. Now, waiting on Andy.

    Last name spelled w - i - e - n - s.

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  6. I am writing this letter to persuade you that R5 always tries to rationalize its stances with compelling gobbledegook about some "greater good". I will persuade you of this by providing a few examples and illustrations of the way in which R5 seeks to strap us down with a network of rules and regulations. Let me cut to the chase: You should not ask, "What would his response be if someone suggested that being shielded from the consequences of his bad judgment and bad behavior has made him careless?", but rather, "What exactly is the principle that rationalizes his condescending postings?". The latter question is the better one to ask because of his claim that antidisestablishmentarianism provides an easy escape from a life of frustration, unhappiness, desperation, depression, and loneliness is not only an attack on the concept of objectivity but an assault on the human mind. Stand with me, be honest with me, and help me weaken the critical links in R5's nexus of unenlightened, contumacious cynicism, and together we'll scuttle its foolhardy attempts to conduct his blog in an insincere, mean spirited way. We'll tell you things that he doesn't want you to know. I'm counting on you. Thanks for reading this.

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  7. 1. I, for one, not only welcome robot overlords, but have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

    1. Wiens raced most of a season, missing enough to clearly not go for the series title (with Maybach sedan or whatever awaiting), and did appear to CTFU late in the season.

    I don't see him as a bagger, but again, I don't know anything.

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  8. Great, Stewie Griffin has found KC Sandbagger.

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  9. Niccolò di Bernardo dei MachiavelliFebruary 9, 2010 at 4:21 PM

    Anonymous said...

    I am writing this letter to persuade you that R5 always tries to rationalize its stances with compelling gobbledegook......

    OR
    r5 put this blog up to fuck with anyone and everyone and to read into it any deeper is absurd. I've been thoroughly entertained myself.

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  10. I'm going to keep checking until I see myself.

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  11. just want to say one thing: The people R5's attacks deserve compassion, not insults, put-downs, or stereotypes. His fierce passions and fiendish cunning, combined with abnormal powers of intellect, with intense vitality, and with a persistency of purpose which the world has rarely seen, and whetted moreover by a keen thirst for blood engendered by defeat and subjection, combine to make R5 the deadly enemy of cyclocross, while his benighted notions contribute to inflame his wild lust of pelf, and to justify the crimes suggested by spite and superstition. He has tried turning deadheads loose against good riders. He has also tried forcing me to roll over and play dead. Why does R5 do such things? That's the big question. If you knew the answer to that then you'd also know why R5 bickers and argues over petty things such as sandbagging. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that R5 is the arbiter of all things cyclocross, then there is decidedly no hope for you. I would like to close by saying that the most significant aspect of R5's mentality and its lack of refinement is the closeness of his way of thinking in general to the way that clumsy, pigheaded sods think in particular.

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  12. r5 does an awesome job! Blogs like this are uniquely American- we can think whatever we want and we can say it as long as it is on our own property. He is Not 'the deadly enemy of cyclocross' but somebody with time on his hands to write his opinions. Why should you care?
    Also, I take issue with calling categories 'petty things such as sandbagging.' What other issue is as important in cyclocross? Why are there categories at all? How can we measure what category to be in? If there is no way, why do they exist?
    I also think it's humorous that adults' feelings could be hurt by someone they don't even know and possibly don't respect. You may not even know r5, but you're hurt by his opinion of you or others you know? How silly. And just like a sandbagger- i.e. someone who bases how he feels about himself by beating racers he already knows are slower.

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  13. why r comments being removed????? oh, come on. let the slow guys be heard!

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  14. wow!!!! comments have to be approved???? the Man is censoring now!! Protest!! Boycott!!!! BOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOO!

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  15. "How can we measure what category to be in?"


    http://www.usacycling.org/news/user/story.php?id=2627

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  16. Anonymous Sesquipedalian,

    You have a Tiffany crystal cowbell, don't you?

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  17. I was thinking about taking up cross racing here in KC this spring but after reading this blog, I've decided you're all bags. If your not the sand kind, your the douche kind... doesn't appear to be any in between.

    Thanks for the heads up. I already have a power washer anyways.

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  18. Ooops. Moderation is back off. Carry on!

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  19. "I was thinking about taking up cross racing here in KC this spring but after reading this blog, I've decided you're all bags."

    Dude, you should definatly race cross. It's on bikes, bikes are awesome, cross is awesome!

    i hope to see you out there.

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  20. And realize you have NOTHING to fear. The evidence is overwhelming, every single year, that KC-area cyclocross is overflowing with sandbaggers. No worry if the river comes up during Boss Cross Parkville, we can save that town, no problem!

    But here's the rub:

    1. If a golden boy has a way to call out bags on his blog*, it's okay, because he's golden, and he's also in the elite/open clan, who don't care one way or another about this issue, because you can't sandbag in Open. The rest of us can just shut the hell up, because it doesn't bother them. (This is like a parallel to life, but there's no reason we have to make CX this hard, when it's so hard already, because we CAN change this. We just won't.)

    2. When a game-changing method of calling out bags surfaces, such as this blog, what do we do? We blame the messenger! HE'S in the wrong, not all the sandbaggers who, we can verify, are NOT catting up, and will race in the same classes next season, and not one of the folks blasting THIS site and beliefs held on THIS site will have a problem with it. No sir, they'll be fine with this status quo, and spend all THEIR time trying to figure out who r5 is, and who several of the rest of us are. Because that's what's wrong with CX, not the sandbaggers who in fact, largely contribute to ruining the "beginner" class.

    Because WE'RE in the wrong for pulling back that curtain. Oh, you didn't see all those elite/open people in there, did you? Pay no attention to the man in the green, or the guy in orange and black too.

    * Incidentally, if someone else has a blog CLEARLY spelling out the names of those who should cat up, it's okay, even though evidence clearly shows that the data is inaccurate. But if r5 calls out BLATANT 'baggers, baggers who NOONE can deny, that's NOT a good thing. This in, in fact, the bizarro world we live in.

    And don't tell me this venue is inappropriate. You and I both know that nothing will change, despite even THIS effort. The status quo is important to the people who can force change, so there you go. They're right, and you're wrong. No matter what.

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  21. I knew it! It's class struggle. The proletariat Cat. 4's trying to throw off the yoke of their oppressors. 3's must be the Petty Bourgeoisie, 1's and2's the Bourgeoisie, and USAC the Landlords.
    Up against the wall with 'em!

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  22. Word around town is that everyone is on the hunt for r5's identity. What are you guys, the LOCAL CYCLING GESTAPO?? If you don't like this blog then don't fucking read it. If you don't like the first amendment then move to China or Iran. Get the hell over yourselves.

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  23. "Word around town"...
    "everyone is on the hunt"...

    Somebody's watching too much TCM.

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  24. Sandbagging websites... the stuff that dreams are made of.

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  25. Major Strasser "You give him credit for too much cleverness. My impression was that he's just another blundering American."

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  26. anon 9:15 a.m.

    dude. you are telling the rest of us are taking this stuff way too seriously? really ? you need to reread your own crap and take a look in the mirror. its cx, you dont need to feel like you are changing the world man, its really not that important. its ok if some people dont agree with your high i.q. opinions. a lot of us here aren't as nearly as intelligent as yourself.

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  27. no r5, not u. whoever anon 9:15 is. that u?:)

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  28. You all are Category Fascists!!! R5 really has brought out the who's who of our racing community and proves a point that the Stereotypical Bike Racing Attitude of being self centered Cut Throats is absolutely true.
    It sucks to have to race such Dick Heads the whole year and these folks have really made CX season "homogenized cool" or "forced mellow".. I wish that it was what it use to be: a fun working class offseason sport with racing folks who just want to keep racing in the offseason and don't give a hoot if they beat each other up or not. I say screw Category Racing In CX go back to steel frame bikes and super heavy rim's and whatever brakes they can muster up, CX looks like a Velonews Tech Review and a TDF doping ring... Its just Amateur racing that we pay 25-30 bucks for the hell of it...

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  29. I think pursuing success at anything requires a lot of self-centeredness. Pro racers, doctors, CEOs — all require a great deal of "me" time to get where they are and stay at the top of their game. That's often why relationship and family time suffer in these circumstances because they are all competing for a competitor's time. Using a proper CAT analogy, we're supposed to respect the male lion as the king of the jungle. But how good of a father is he? Who cares? Take nature for what it's worth and know that some racers will take opportunity at low hanging fruits while others will risk jumping into croc infested water to taste a juicy wildebeest. At the end of the day, it all goes down smooth with a proper IPA.

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  30. Hold on.

    When someone says they miss the old days of numbers written with an El Marko pen, and maybe two races if you were lucky, they're told to go to hell.

    But when someone brings up how effed up this whole thing is, as it's becoming so damn serious top-bottom, yet the sandbagger tendency is truly ruining the future and further growth of this discipline locally, they're told to go back to the days of steel touring bikes and 36-spoke wheels?

    So which is it?

    CX is all grown up in KC, like it or not, AND IT'S BROKEN. I think you have to be around it a while to see this, but eventually everyone will.

    Are you 360 dudes back in a 'roid cycle now or something?

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  31. Wow! Man, people are bitter.

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  32. I, for one, welcome our new 'cross overlords.

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  33. I almost agree on the "all grown up".

    Help me understand this "broken" thing.

    Cyclocross in the metro evolves from 'back in the day' races at Mt. Oread (70's), Lawrence River Trails, Future Parks in Lenexa and 'Underground' races in the urban core to:

    A current scene that has 19 or so sanctioned races, a season from Sept until Jan. Three series of events that offer a multitude of categories for levels of experience, gender, age and gearing choice. A variety of free clinics and training events throughout the season. Pathways and mentors to help beginners and experienced 'crossers alike.

    Discounted entry fees for some categories. A bounty of swag and awards mixed throughout events and series. Free food and/or beer at most events. Challenging and legal designed courses on a variety of venues.

    Race promoters and crews that are happy to stake and tape, shovel kilometers of snow and clean post race muddy showers to create a weekend playland for an obscure and marginalized sport; And come back for more. BTW, one of those very early promoters of 'back in the day' early 90's events will be adding to next season's calendar.

    Volunteers and underpaid support staffs that officiate and time. Business' that see a value in supporting events with merchandise and money. Media that is interested enough to provide coverage.

    Bike shops that offer parts to cobble the Frankencross bike together or full on Pro bling.


    Enroute to the current scene we've had plenty (and still have) undergroundish cult races, three National Championships spaced over a decade, participation growth every year. Area riders have developed from newbies to competing in World Championships. But, I'll speculate that most cyclocrossers, of all abilities, participated and continue to participate, for fun. We're still a few short in the paid ranks in our town.
    There are riders on steel with 36 hole rims. There are riders who aren't.

    I see choices and opportunity.

    As far as the nostalgia aspect, I don't know how to help you through that, I was there then and I'm here now. I had a lot of great times 'back in the day.' I had more fun this year than last. I intend to have more fun next year than this. I expect there to be more free beer next year.

    I'm hoping that when r5's thesis paper is published on the subject "Misplaced Priorites of Postmodern Competitive Bicycle Racers" we'll all gain some insight.

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  34. Well said from the Gentleman with reason and intelligence. However, i am sure someone will take umbrage with your words or dispute them. The bitter cannot be deterred here sir. Your wise words are unfortunately falling on deaf ears no matter how right and just those words may be.

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  35. I for one, wish all you anon's would tag your post with your name. I'm not scared, why are you?

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  36. Last year was my first year racing but cyclo-cross was my favorite desicipline by far.

    (Although dominating the beginner class at the lawrence mtn bike duathalon was fun, definitely sandbagged at that one, sorry 15 year old kid who got second. You were cool. It was my first ever mtn bike race so i figured beginner was the place to be. whoops.)

    Anyway... it seems to me like we have a great cross scene here in kc. everyone i met was supercool and there is a close / convenient race almost every weekend. talked to a dude who came up from Arkansas and he said they have 1 race down there. period.

    Thanks to everyone who makes the KC scene go. Cant wait till cross season rolls around, i'll be doing my part to make it even better than last year.

    i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

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  37. I think wood rims and cast iron bikes should be standard issue
    Next year. We should all sing peter Paul and Mary songs and smoke dope.

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  38. Mr. Kern,

    It's a Superhero thing. Anon gets to wear the cape. Peter Parker, Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent and Don Diego de la Vega have to sit in the cubicle.

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  39. Daniel Gousseau = Category Fascist.

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  40. What's up with the Marxists and the rest of the Red Revolution invading our cx blog. We can't call each other standard offensive 4 letter words so instead we accuse the fast guys from said categories as the Bourgeois while the poor little slow guys are the Proletariate. Come on guys. The working class(proletariate) would be the guys who train hard and improve while the lazy bourgeois class would be the ones on the couches drinking their beer complaining about always getting beat by the dirty working stiffs:) Unless you are a Fascist proletariate, then that is a whole 'nother matter altogether.

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  41. We should have 50 dudes in Open on a nice day, and 15 there on a season ender like Epic. I have no idea who I'm addressing with this, but there you go.

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  42. My sarcasm detector would indicate that the earlier comments by Trotsky on Prols/Bourgeois were referring to a post above his; with sarcasm.

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  43. Cat Diarrhea,

    Absolutely agree! We can get those numbers.


    Mark Thomas

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  44. The popcorn and beer has NEVER tasted sooooo good! Oh to add to what Daniel Gousseau was saying......Missouri State CX is gonna be here next year in the form of Boss Cross #4. How fucking cool is that? I don't even ride CX and I fucking love the scene as a fan..I get to drink beer and heckle the shit out of you fucks. What's not to like?

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  45. The more beer and hecklers means more fun for the racers!!!

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  46. Friends, I cannot state more clearly the following sobering fact: Mr. Kern doesn't want equality but revenge. Without going into all the gory details, let's just say that if the people generally are relying on false information sown by the most brazen despots you'll ever see, then correcting that situation becomes a priority for the defense of our nation. I, not being one of the many bad-tempered, aberrant sybarites of this world, feel that we should carve solutions that are neither pudibund nor brutish, and I have formalized my commitment to this high ideal by ensuring that I always deal with his semi-intelligible, acrimonious ultimata on a case-by-case basis. In short, whenever Mr. Kern gives a speech, he is always careful to sidestep the issue of how his commitment to phallocentrism is only part of the story. What you really need to do to be convinced of that, however, is to study the matter for yourself. I'll be happy to send you enough facts to get you started.

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  47. S.G.
    You know you are the only person who understood any of what you just wrote. Seriously, does it take you an hour to write the doze lines because you have to look in your thesaurus for those big words?

    Hey guys! Look at the big brain on Brad!!!!

    S.G., honestly you aren't that smart, and you are certainly not that funny. But hey, I am no rocket scientist myself.

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  48. I agree with the comments made concerning free speech. You go r5!

    What's with the "I can use big words" diatribe from anonymous? HEYZEUS! I get it; the publishers rejected you, yet again.

    Check Your Head! Nice comments… agreed!

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  49. Hey Kern, quit worrying about other people's handles and just admit you're R5.

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  50. Yo Osama,

    If you knew me at all you would know that I am not near smart enought to create the magic that is this blog.

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  51. ...brazen despots...aberrant sybarites...pudibund nor brutish...acrimonious ultimata...phallocentrism...

    if you use any of these words in an actual conversation, you're a tool.

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