Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Butt'rBall Turkey


This tub o' lard has been a Cat3 since he was riding with Jesus. 6+ years in the 3's is waaay too long for someone who ain't over 40 and who has nothin else to do but ride his bike and eat sticks of butter. Maybe all the time spent slathering the chamois cream on his nuts has shrunk them.

Here is what r5 has that he will not be able to dispell about his past:
1. he has been racing since approx 1994.
2. since june of 2004 he has placed top five in no less than 31 events.
3. since june of 2004 he has placed first in 6 events and holds one state championship.
4. he consistantly picks events that host a cat 3/4 race rather than a cat 2/3 event or cat 3 only to ensure that he will have a good placing. This is confirmed by usacycling stats.
5. he has not CTFU since 2004 when he clearly had accumulated enough points and placings to do so.
2004 3 top 5's
2005 8 top 5's
2006 6 top 5's
2007 6 top 5's
2008 1 top 5
2009 4 top 5's

He's a prime example of a roadie bagger who stops just short of getting a mandatory upgrade while cherry pickin races he knows he'll score some cash prizes in. He's part of the reason why there is no Cat1/2 race at Spring Fling anymore.

On a scale of 1 to 10, this guy scores an 11. -1 for actually being able to win with all those spare tires. +2 because he looks like he stiffs bartenders and never buys rounds.

Oh, and does anyone know why in the fuck they scheduled the Velotek GP on the same weekend as the Sheehan Road Race?? Its not like we're overflowing the fields here or anything.

90 comments:

  1. I'm first comment today... take that S.C.

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  2. r5 said...

    "Oh, and does anyone know why in the fuck they scheduled the Velotek GP on the same weekend as the Sheehan Road Race?? Its not like we're overflowing the fields here or anything."

    Whitaker and Sheehan hate each other because they both have baggers on their teams?

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  3. Damm you J.A.

    Those chick's are hot.

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  4. A seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace,
    And rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace,
    And achieve it all with music that came quickly from afar,
    Then taste the fruit of man recorded losing all against the hour.
    And assessing points to nowhere, leading ev'ry single one.
    A dewdrop can exalt us like the music of the sun,
    And take away the plain in which we move,
    And choose the course you're running.

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  5. Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge
    I'm trying not to lose my head, ah huh-huh-huh
    [2nd and 5th: ah huh-huh-huh]
    [4th: say what?]
    It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder
    How I keep from going under
    It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder
    How I keep from going under

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  6. Oh yeah he is a big time bagger. What can you do? No way he's going to move up. USAC should have a rule that covers either move up or move on. I'm pretty sure I saw him sign up for one of the kid races last summer, just to get the medal.

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  7. This guy threw at his own kid in a father son game.

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  8. Michelin Man midsection? Is this the dude who rolled the tire at Smithville and got heckled?

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  9. Perhaps when you get your training wheels off, you may learn a thing or two about racing. You've already proven that you have absolutly no experience in the cycling community. If a racer consistantly performs well in the category that they race in, it means they are a good racer. No racer is contractually obligated to continually cat up just for being consistent. Constantly winning, yes, but for an experienced sprinter to finish top 20 in crit races is no big surprise. Maybe you should come out and ride and get a little lesson on how to actually finish a race from Ryan. I'm sure he would be more than pleased to actually meet you.
    On another note. Obviously you don't know Ryan. He helps pull newbie riders on group rides. He has a full-time job. And he does not sit at home and eat sticks of butter. He does like mexican, and yes, he can kick your ass in a bike race even with a spare tire, pulling his three kids in a trailer behind him.
    You're a douche.

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  10. Your # 4 up on your list...maybe you should check your facts before you post a link to the results. The only time Ryan has ever raced a 3/4 race is when no other option is offered.

    You can do your little job as the self-proclaimed "sandbagger police"..but check your shit before you post.

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  11. I've seen him eat a stick of butter.

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  12. A loaf of bread, a pint of milk, a stick of butter...

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  13. Anonymous said...

    "On another note. Obviously you don't know Ryan..."

    Actually I do know Ryan and Ryan has been a dick for a long time. He hasn't been a dick to me personally but I've seen MORE than my fair share of him thinking he's cool at another's expense. Yes he has helped pull newbies into the sport but frankly, that is where the niceties have stopped. He's a jerk who likes to half-wheel and being a good sandbagging 3 does NOT give him license to be a douchebag. Let's face it, he should have upgraded years ago and either dropped some lbs, taken his beatings, and gotten better or NOT be allowed by the sods in St Louis to stay a lifetime 3. Michael Weiss are you listening? No? Not surprised.

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  14. Are we talking low calorie butter, margarine, olive oil spread? I need some clarification as that's a shit ton of calories to eat. What about the butter flavored Crisco? Isn't that kinda like fat flavored fat?

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  15. Now this is only from the picture, as I don't know him personally, but it doesn't appear as though he shaves his legs...any guy who doesn't shave their legs, doesn't belong in a Pro 1/2 race...I'm just sayin. However, Cat 3, we can let that slide.

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  16. Ah, isn't it sweet to see people sticking up for sandbaggers. You say to see an experienced sprinter (sandbagger) consistently finish in the top 20 of a crit is no surprise. His finish percentage seems to be more around the top 5 to 10. If all he likes to race is crits because he knows he can finish well there. Which he does, in the money. Then he should race as a 2 and stay away from the road races, just the same as he is now. He obviously has the ability to compete as a 2, thats where he should be. I really don't know what to think now that you have informed all of us that he can bet us 3s while pulling 4 kids in a trailer. Dude is strong, obviously sandbaggin if he can do that.

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  17. "I'm sure he would be more than pleased to actually meet you. "

    I think you meant to say that "he would be more than pleased to actually EAT" me.

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  18. Spare tires? Dude has a pair of Pugsleys around his waist.

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  19. Get in my belly!!!

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  20. Training wheels?? Your not safe on training wheels either. He would sandbag his way into a race for old ladies in wheelchairs if he thought he could steal 5 bucks at the finish line from them. Gonna have to agree with imabitterman. The dude can be a real A*^hole, as a person and as a racer.

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  21. Waaaah Waaah waaah. If you have so much time on your hands maybe you should get off your ass and ride, instead of blaiming other people for your inability to perform! I have to admit I feel special that you're talking about me, seeing as how I haven't really done that much racing in the last year.

    What's your name? Obviously you know me, I'd like to know who I'm talking to. Or should I just call you Douche?


    Ryan

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  22. Anybody ever seen Ryan on a cross bike? Because, I have about two years ago. I good description would be: "Beached Whale". Dude has no cross skills, maybe eating skills, but no cross skills.

    True Story

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  23. You can call me whatever you want. Just don't call me dinner.

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  24. Top 10 Reasons He's a Sandbagger
    10. It's the only thing he does better than tetherball.
    9. The sense of fulfillment after a race--just kidding, it's like super easy for him.
    8. He's trying to earn back the 20 bucks he paid his mom to attend Prom with him.
    7. He's an idiot
    6. He doesn't have to shave his legs like
    the 1,2s... Although, why not.
    5. In H.S. that stupid kid who always got his tater tots stolen, stole his..
    4. As a cat3 your post-race meal is hot wings and beer.
    3. All the cool kids are doing it.
    2. The dental plan??
    1. It just makes him feel like really super fast.

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  25. Hey, True Story. 5 years ago Ryan was ran over by a school bus while on a ride. He was almost killed and doctors said he would probably never walk again. Well, he can walk, and ride, but he can't run. He's lost alot of mobility in his ankle, which was crushed in the accident. If you've ever seen Ryan at a race, you've probably noticed that he walks with a limp, which is always worse after a race. So yes, he has no cross skills.

    I hope you feel great about yourself now.

    Jennifer

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  26. OMG.. Let me wipe the tear from my eye. He probably went off the front during a group ride with a bunch of beginners. Bus driver was watching out for the group and bingo bango. Or, maybe the driver recognized him as a sandbagger, and took action. Never know.. lol
    Drew

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  27. I thought he just liked to strut!

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  28. the sun needs to come out so you all can go outside and ride your bikes..too much time on your hands

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  29. You're cool Drew, laugh and make a joke at someone's misfortune if that makes you feel good about yourself. I say you're mad at a FATASS beating you. I say GO FATASS GO!

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  30. Oh thats a limp, I just thought his favorite walk was the Jive Turkey.

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  31. Anonymous--I'm sure you would. That's the only way you can hope to stay with the pack. Sitting on his wheel. Starring at his cottage cheese dimple ass through his lycra and thinking to yourself, "I know I can't say this out loud, but I sure am glad his ankle got jacked up so I can suck wheel". Man up, you know thats what your thinking.
    Drew

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  32. License to kill baggers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill baggers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a bagger. And a bagger will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Bagger Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

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  33. CARL THAT IS AWESOME!

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  34. Jennifer said...

    "Hey, True Story. 5 years ago Ryan was ran over by a school bus while on a ride. He was almost killed and doctors said he would probably never walk again. Well, he can walk, and ride, but he can't run. He's lost alot of mobility in his ankle, which was crushed in the accident. If you've ever seen Ryan at a race, you've probably noticed that he walks with a limp, which is always worse after a race. So yes, he has no cross skills.

    I hope you feel great about yourself now."

    Jennifer

    Hey true story, 5 years ago he was a bagger & a d-bag. Now? Today? Still a bagger & a d-bag. Wow, you're right I DO feel great about myself now. Thanks Jennifer!

    Snoochie Boochies

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  35. "Waaaah Waaah waaah. If you have so much time on your hands maybe you should get off your ass and ride, instead of blaiming other people for your inability to perform! I have to admit I feel special that you're talking about me, seeing as how I haven't really done that much racing in the last year.

    What's your name? Obviously you know me, I'd like to know who I'm talking to. Or should I just call you Douche?"

    Ryan

    My name is Inigo Montoya but Douche will do just fine. If by "I haven't really done that much racing in the last year" you mean you only did 12 crits then "yes" fat ass you didn't race much in the last year. Either way you're still The Grandbagger. Maybe try tuning the 'tude down this next season and see how receptive people can be when you try being nice instead of thinking you're cool because....why? Because you're a perma 3? Impressive, very impressive.

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  36. Jennifer which one of those three girls is you? I'm guessin the chick with the black Glad bag bra thats about to bust.

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  37. at least the one in the back has big tits. the others have tiny tits compared to their fat rolls.

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  38. All I have to say is that the butterball has beaten alot of people. That is what the resume has to say, but it doesn't look like he has done anything in the last year, so why should he cat up? If he cats up at this point he is going to be off the back. To all the complainers whats the point? A few top 5 finishes out of 12 races (three of which were series races) is not enough to cat up.

    You're beat r5. I guess maybe you and your schizophrenic split personalities better just get off your lazy ass and go train for a change.

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  39. A Cat3 for AT LEAST 6 years? An accomplished Cat3 for AT LEAST 6 years? Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck is wrong with the Missouri upgrade coordinator?

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  40. Lets back up a few posts... HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO END UP UNDERNEATH A SCHOOL BUS WHILE RIDING A BIKE? DID THE GIANT YELLOW THING COME OUT OF NOWHERE?

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  41. Yes, it sounds tragic and thankful it wasn't fatal, but getting RAN OVER BY or RAN INTO BY a bus are different. Please clarify so the rest of us can safely avoid a similar confrontation with a long yellow kindertaxi.

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  42. All I have to say is that the butterball has beaten a lot of people. That is what the resume has to say, but it doesn't look like he has done anything in the last year, so why should he cat up? If he cats up at this point he is going to be off the back. To all the complainers whats the point? A few top 5 finishes out of 12 races (three of which were series races) is not enough to cat up.

    Who ever posted this is obviously one of his team mates, training partners, life partner or something. Your probably a sandbagger too. Look it's about consistency, don't kid yourself. There are loop holes for pretty much anyone to not cat up. I have seen him race, and I looked over his past results. In my opinion I fell he is a bagger. There is no doubt he could race with the 2s. He represents all those who should move up but don't. Thus creating the trickle down effect to all the other categories. This guy is more than likely the first of many 3s that will be called out. The problem here is that the 1-2s needs to be restructured. Would It help to have more 1,2,3 races? This would allow cat 3 racers to develop confidence in their racing ability, and allow organizers to see how the talent balances out. Of course one could still sandbag during said event, hoping to not raise an eyebrow. Bottom line is, it's the individual, you need to police yourself. Ask yourself, are you helping or hindering the race event by still racing in your category? In response to your comment "he will be off the back". Most all of us fight that after we cat up. That's part of the process. If he's not willing to push himself to race at the level he should be, then that's just sad for him.
    Leonard Grayson

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  43. Anon- I didn't witness the ordeal, but my understanding from the trial etc here is what happened. Ryan made a legal turn, then the bus made a turn, but Ryan had the right-of-way and he thought the busdriver saw him, but (according to the driver) she didn't see him and the NEON YELLOW kit he was wearing. He didn't have time to get out of the way and he and the bike ended up under the rear wheels, with the large chainring cutting into his ankle and being crushed. Needless to say the ti frame, his carbon shoes, the cranks, everything, didn't make it throught the ordeal, and he spent months w/out walking, then even longer on crutches.

    The scars are insane, if you've never seen them.

    r5- As for whether he should haave to cat up. He undoubtedly would, but most of the local races are 1-2's. No recreational rider wants to be pack fodder for a bunch of wannabe pros with all the time in the world to train. The line is drawn in the sand between 2 and 3. At cat 3 you can still have a family and job and take care of the obligations that go along with having a life. When you make the move to 2 you have to give something up, and you simply cannot force a recreational rider to do so. Could Ryan commit to training and be competitive in a 2's race? Sure. He obviously has natural talent. But you can't force a guy to continually climb a ladder for a recreational hobby. Does your boss force you take a promotion that forces you to be away from your family every weekend without compensating you for that? Fuck no, he doesn't. And you crybaby losers shouldn't ask some guy you don't even know to do that just because you want 3's to be easier to so you don't have to take time to train and can just hack away at the computer all day.
    Jennifer
    ps, no I don't look like your mom. Or is that your fat fuck wife?

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  44. Jennifer,

    To quote,

    "As for whether he should haave to cat up. He undoubtedly would, but most of the local races are 1-2's. No recreational rider wants to be pack fodder for a bunch of wannabe pros with all the time in the world to train. The line is drawn in the sand between 2 and 3. At cat 3 you can still have a family and job and take care of the obligations that go along with having a life. When you make the move to 2 you have to give something up, and you simply cannot force a recreational rider to do so. Could Ryan commit to training and be competitive in a 2's race? Sure. He obviously has natural talent. But you can't force a guy to continually climb a ladder for a recreational hobby."

    Ryan is part of the problem and not part of the solution so he needs to make a choice. Bullshit you can't force somebody to climb the ladder! Do what it takes like the rest of us (most of us anyways) or go home! We ALL make time commitments to getting better or we wouldn't do it and to think in any way, shape, or form that sandbagging the 3's (or any cat) because you can't make that commitment is is NO WAY acceptable.

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  45. Can't anybody be roasted in this overblown testosterone Road Racing community?. It's a JOKE!!! AND your the JOKE!!! So the FUCK WHAT if you got ran over by a BUS.. its awful that happened to you but remember We all could achieve that anytime we ride on the road..This is not the even what the post is about.. stick to the ISSUE!!!
    Ryan you should feel absolutely privileged to be even recognized as a sandbagger and also this could be a real boost for you to Cat Up and show people that you are good!! CAT THE FUCK UP or Shut the Fuck Up!!! R5 is just messing with you...

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  46. The only thing Butterball needs to give up to compete in the 2's is Twinkies, chalupas and Parkay.

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  47. "a bunch of wannabe pros with all the time in the world to train"

    Stop feeding your ego, cat 1s and 2s in MO/KS don't train all day. If they did they probably would be pros.

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  48. I have heard this guy say, " Why move up? at least as a 3 I can almost always pay for my entry fee or gas. Hell, sometimes both and then some. F people if they don't like it".
    Oh yeah, if that's not a sandbagger, then what is?

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  49. Well I train everyday, except Saturdays and Sundays and every other Monday and sometimes Wednesdays and then never at dusk..and I suck! I don't get it. I'll just say this, when I win the lottery and I will train EVERY day and then you just wait. I'm coming for YOU Ryan "Grandbagger" Halloran.

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  50. r5 said...
    The only thing Butterball needs to give up to compete in the 2's is Twinkies, chalupas and Parkay.

    What about fat chicks? I thought Fat Bottomed Girls make the rockin' world go round.

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  51. stay away from the heat or you might be toasted or getting a little roasted with all of that butter slather coming out of your skivvies... Cat the Fuck Up and then get some liposuction...

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  52. i cant wait till someone gets called out, then comments...

    "yes, im a sandbagger. Thank you and goodnight."

    That would be a breath of fresh air.

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  53. Ryan Grandbagger: ...and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.

    Peloton: You ate what?

    Ryan Grandbagger: We ate sand.
    [pause]

    Peloton: You ate SAND?

    Ryan Grandbagger: That's right!

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  54. Using the logic of you sandbagger defenders, it would be ok if r5 got one day licenses and did Cat5 races all year and won them because if anyone bitches, they should shut their fucking traps and train harder.
    "Blah blah blah, I got a family to feed, waah waaah so that dictates that I continue to sandbag."

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  55. More like, "Yes I'm a sandbagger, Thank you and I will be here next season and next and next".
    S.C. your an idiot too, just like Grandbagger. encouraging sandbagging-what a joke, just like the one in your hand.

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  56. currently... in my hand is a spoon. i think you hurt it's feelings becasue it just bent in half like that spoon in the Matrix.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXKFTzlBziI

    Next time try to be nice to the cutlery.

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  57. My name is Otto, and I love to get blotto!

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  58. guys, i love it here. i....i just love it.

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  59. Timothy Floyd SpooneybargerFebruary 17, 2010 at 4:34 PM

    S.C. what's in your spoon? Crisco? I think not! That's in Grandbagger's spoon.

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  60. Oh man.. I don't even want to know what you were doing with that spoon in your hand while surfing the internet. S.C. you are one sicko perv....

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  61. Ryan spelled backwards:
    Nayr (Nay-er)
    A person who vicariously lives his/her life through his/her alter ego. And believes to be the most intriguing person in the world. Consider yourself doomed to know a person of this nature.
    Laura said " Dude don't be a Nayr (Nay-er) just cat up."

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  62. Christ, this is the second person to have some lady come on here to do his bidding for him. Does Kansas City have a cycling community filled with insecure men who are not competent at defending themselves?

    Me and the band will never play a show in this town ever again.

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  63. don't lie, you won't play here anymore because you couldn't sell out a hooters on free wings night.

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  64. Hey VH sold out the Sprint Center on the reunion tour!....Fucking VH rules!!

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  65. Gonna have to second that comment David. At least now we all know why he doesn't have the balls to cat up, because he has NO BALLS. What kind of man sits back quietly in the corner allowing a female to get throttled on this blog for him? A sandbagger, that's what kind. Your a pathetic, pansie wanna be racer. You don't deserve to race as a 2. It would be an insult to have someone with your lack of self pride trying to ride as a 2. The only break you could make in a 1,2 race would be a solo off the back. Hell, you shouldn't even be a 3, more like a 5. I warn you don't cat up, I will own you. You Buddha belly, jelly legged, saddle swallowing turd. As for the rest of you cat 3 sandbaggers, stay down there. We don't need a bunch of dumb asses crashing out the field.

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  66. Halloran spelled backwards:
    Narollah (Naro-llah)
    French for sandbagger - to deceive someone; to fool someone about one's capabilities.

    Except you fool NOONE on this here blog eh Grandbagger?

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  67. Francois LeRoux is a pussy.

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  68. In thee France we have thee say that you are whot you eet eh Tie Domi? We also hav the say: vous êtes un idiot et que vous mangez du pénis

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  69. Hey Anonymous @ 7:53 p.m.,

    You're a dumbfuck of the highest order. First you blast a guy for being nutless and for being a sandbagger, and then in the same breath you expect him not to CTFU. You can't have it both ways, you cockless idiot.

    What a joke you people are. A sad statement on Kansas City cycling. Eddie won't even show his face around here, he's so embarrassed for the rest of you.

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  70. I agree with Anon @7:53. Narollah is a nutless sandbagger who may never cat up again. The only caveat is that he has to wear a jersey admitting he's a nutless sandbagging douche who will NEVER be allowed to cat up. See DLR, you CAN have it both ways and really I think this is a win win for all involved. Shall we deem this case closed? Yes? Good!! Outstanding! Who's next r5?!

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  71. You've got it bad, so bad, DLR. Hagar just stole your band again. This site gives us the transparency & accountability that Obama promised us but never delivered.

    r5 in 2012

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  72. Unless we can get an intern over here at KC Sandbagger HQ, we're going to be on a one post a week schedule for a while.
    Interested parties inquire within. It'll be just like Kramerica.

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  73. "You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window."

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  74. Man who become dog whisperer, sleep in dog house. Man who become vagina whisperer, sleep in house.

    Note to self ...
    Life Rule #19(Happy Life) – The happier the vagina, the happier the life.

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  75. FULL TIME JOB? Since when is being a firefighter a FULL TIME JOB? are you kidding me?

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  76. Man, I don't know... Any man willing to wear a purple kit must have either A. a giant set of kahunas or B. none at all. Judging by the hostility here, I'm guessing B. Yes, this man has no balls at all.

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  77. "Yes, it's true. This man has no dick."

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  78. r5 you suck balls. Your ability to start this blog and then not be able to finish is hilarious. Of course this is probably nothing new to you, your wife/girlfriend or the race field around you. Are you off the back, is that why we can no longer hear you? r5? What is that, right hand, five knuckle chuckle. If you could tear yourself away from www.imaloser.com for 5 seconds you might find time to carry on this pathetic blog.

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  79. You bitches can suck it. New post will be up when its up.

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  80. In the words of the doors:

    This is the end
    Beautiful friend
    This is the end
    My only friend, the end

    Of our elaborate plans, the end
    Of everything that stands, the end
    No safety or surprise, the end
    I'll never look into your eyes...again

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  81. R5, YOU can suck it. Get your fat fucking ass off the couch you lazy bunghole.

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  82. i can't believe R5 is sandbagging this blog...

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  83. R5 stands for retarded cat 5.

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  84. I am sorry to inform you all that r5 was involved in a horrific injury when his recubment collided with a hot dog vendor at 54th and Troost. Let's hope for a speedy recovery so r5 can post again and disrupt the rest of you douchebags and miscreants from your day jobs through your careful monitoring of all things KC-cycling-blog-related.

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  85. "The Story of R5" a Synopsis:
    One day in a small midwestern town obese mommas boy who lives in a po-dunk suburban basement environment , decides to race bikes in the local road/cyclocross race scene only to find his place in it as a Cat 6 doesn't exist. So from this moment on he goes on a blogging rampage and calls out all of the local lance wanna be's and euro fetish cat 4 DHEA Roid dopers for baggin on folks who just want to try racing for the 1st time. The affects from this blog tear through the big ego's of the small pee pee bike squads and start local man hunt headed by the likes of team 360 and the Bike Cartel of Bill Marshall (sp?) This only builds the folklore legend of R5 to keep up his mission but in his moment of triumph he has a a horrific bike accident and disappears into obscurity.

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  86. I'm a 47 year old fat Cat 1 slob that feels like he is sandbagging every time one of you KC guys shows up to a race. You guys are pathetic. Get off this board and go ride. I wish they had a cat 0 race so I could enter and not see how embarrassing you make this sport look!

    Ethan Froese

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  87. Try doing some 'cross Ethan. KC smokes StLouis and CoMo like a pack of Kools.

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