Monday, September 27, 2010

This dude is like the Tilford of the 4's. Moses Fancher is almost as old as the hills but is crushing dudes who will be subsidizing his Medicare for the next few decades. He might arrive on a Jazzy, but he races like an InATub taco through your digestive tract.

Check out his record in the CX4 "BEGINNERS" category:
-21+ races since 2007
-6 wins: FIVE last year and starting off 2010 with another one on what will be one of the toughest courses of the season at Manion's Cross.
-Countless top5's
-Way more than enough points to upgrade.
-His TT times places him in the Cat2 range, coming within seconds of guys like Bleser, Weinbeck and Price, and beating guys like Songer and Bissell who are all racing CX3 and above.

Its time for Moses to stop toying with the boys in the 20 minute race and start ripping legs in the 50+ minute 3's where he belongs.

On a scale of 1-10, this dude scores an 11. +1 for starting off the new season with a friggin win.

r5 forgot to mention that it appears that the Crashovita crew struck gold with this venue. The hillside course flowed smoothly and had lots of great features. You wouldn't know you were in Kansas with the view from the top. The beer was flowing, the tacos frying, and cowbells banging. 2010 KC cross season is off to a good start.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


When r5 was in college, an anatomy professor was lecturing on the digestive system and stated that it takes 8 hours for food to go from mouth to butt. r5 knew better and wanted to know "Why does corn come out quicker?" Professor was stumped.

As cyclocross mirrors life, r5 found a couple of kernels from Nubraska in the sandbagging pile of turd worthy of being called out:
Crist the Cornking and Husker-DooDoo-Schmidt.
Last year at Capital Cup, Cornking had a big crash yet still motored up to finish 2nd, dusting a solid local field. At Boulevard Cup, he simply rode away from the outclassed pack. With high placings at Jingle Cross, he cemented his status as a bagger who definitely needs to CTFU.

His buddy Husker-Doodoo-Schmidt finished 23 races as a Cat4 in 2009, winning one and placing top 5 multiple times. His cat4 tenure has almost been as long as Pumpkin' Head's who finally appears to have CTFU'd this year.

On a scale of 1-10, both of these guys score perfect 10s.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010



This seasons's first official CX post begins where we started off last year. At KC Cup Cyclocole showed us all that he had been ready for the open class since the Bush years. r5 heard he demolished the field at Swope, finishing second only to Deuce-Bagalow. Was there any doubt that he was 'baggin big time last year??? It'll be interesting to see how he does on a course with a little less singletrack against the boys in orange. r5 predicts that Bill will be tossing his bike more than once this year after getting smoked by Cowtown. And speaking of which, the orange let down in Hermann doesn't count since it was only two friggin laps. Come to KC and get another taste, Shotgun.

A new feature this year will be the anti-baggers of the week. Dudes who might wanna cat-the-fuck-down after last weeks performance:

1. Richard Who-Dat: dude almost got called out last year, CTFU like a man, but got lapped by all the 3's at Swope.

2. Poo-Face: dude got called out in the 3's last year, but then also proceeded to get thoroughly smoked at Swope.

3. Oh-Face: dude wants to race open but got smoked by St Louis racers in the 3s!??

4. Haynes-her-way: dude should just be doing the girls race. Juniors that is.

And finally whats up with all you road weenies wrapping your bikes and faces around the trees in the singletrack? Props to 360 for making a CX course thats a little more CHALLENGing than a roll in the hay with your second cousin.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

St Louis Rammed

The only thing r5 hates more than a sandbagger is St Louis inferiority complex. Football, baseball, rappers, and now cyclocross- KC be kickin your asses all across the board. r5 has checked out the St Loser cross scene and it is some serious weak sauce. Probably the same nasty sauce you spread on that crackers and cheese concoction you call PIZZA.

r5's prediction for Hermann Cross this weekend: a podium sweep by the boys in orange. (BTW what the hell is Luke doing lining up for the 3's??) FrozeBalls, Bigshark, Dogfish you all are gonna get bent.

r5 is also issuing a challenge for STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS: load up the shortbus and get your lazy asses over here and see if you can even sniff the podium in ANY CATEGORY.

It'll be like 1985 again and our 'baggers will get Denkinger on your asses.