High Fiiiive!

So after finally CTFU, young Bend Over promptly gets picked up by TradeWhine and immediately starts kickin ass in the next category- 8th at HHH last weekend! So all you 'baggin pussies out there take note: step it up to the next level and you might find yourself more than ready to issue a beatdown.

Cross is coming up soon and r5 has a feeling there will be plenty of material this season. If you completed a series in the 4's last year, you best be in the 3's this year. And if you were a regular on the podium in the 3's, we better be seeing you giving Bill's boys in orange your best shot. r5 hears he's been keeping them nice a shaven...

I need TP for my bunghole!

Dear Mercy cycling bullies,
Please quit sandbagging TNW and take your "I'm gonna stomp on your weak ass Cat3 breaks and not pull"-asses and go do your own crits somewhere else. We'll even give you a box of Burger King crowns to give to Shadd since none of the pussies around here can sprint for shit.
Sincerely,
360, SuckKC, and Can-I-Please-Get-A-Piece-of-the-sprint-JoePud

ps- um yeeah, if you go ahead and take Tradewhine with you thatd be great!

Lemme lemme up-grade!

On the opposite end of the sandbagging spectrum we have Joe-used-to-weigh-a-ton the anti-bagger! Check out his results and try to figure out how he upgraded to 3! Highlights of his six Cat4 races: 2 DNPs, one top 10 and pissing off at least one 360 dude per crit. At least r5 can count on one higher placing when he races against Mini-Me!

Cliff Hangover

KC road season is practically at an end and as much as r5 loves cross, its a tad too hot for skinsuits and Mad Alchemy. Maybe a few of the new teams in town should join together to fulfill their USAC obligation to sponsor a race...(cough innatubba-bigdavita-shackstrong)

While SKC proved that it is possible to put on a race in KillaCity and post results in a timely manner, course design could use some work. Cliff Drive of course is the best and toughest race in the area. Guys who PUSS OUT on Cliff Drive and just do the crits should be forced to ride in fishnets and on tampons jammed into their seatposts. Even r5 has been known to haul his fat ass up the gooseneck. Suck it up and race it bitches.

Longview is just plain whack. Dump it and sub in KCK if you can't find something else. Power and Light should either actually be in Power and Light or at least be lengthened to more than the circumference of Butt'r Ball's gut. With a half mile crit, gettin lapped and watching Mercy refuse to chase is as inevitable as a Crashovita pile up. What we need around here is a few more hungry 1-2's that arent wearing blue or green which brings us back to the whole point of this blog...

CTFU repeat offenders and doublebaggers galore this weekend!
Dudes who are well on there way to the next cat:
Hershey Squirts, Alicks-Two-Firstnames-Roberts, Don't-Call-Me-Suge-Knight, The Original Bagger Cole, Kent-I-have-cool-tats-like-Nashbaggers
Dudes who are way overdue and who's parents should be way ashamed of:
I-Wont-CTFU-Because-I-Race-for-DOUCHO-TEK-Stover, I-Keep-Eatin-Buttr-and-Still-winning-Hollaron

On a positive note, previously called out 'bagger Skinnnner! finally CTFU and DID JUST FINE AT THE NEXT LEVEL.

Dirty 'Dish

Boy Racer makes a late race detour to Taco Bell and...

makes The Mummy proud!

Ok, WHAT THE FUCK is with the Cat3's around here who are still yelling "INSIDE"?!!? I thought that shit was just the province of 4's and 5's. If you have the inside line, then TAKE IT. If you can't take it, then SHUT THE FUCK UP because no one is gonna let you through. And also if you are going to contest the last lap at Tuesday Night Throwdown, HOLD YOUR FUCKING LINE AND DONT SIT UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SPRINT!!

Tulsa T-Huff

Despite Jim Twittaker's challenge to the local cycling community to develop more Cat1-2 racers, he seems not to apply it to his own team full of sandbaggers. In case you missed it, he said:
"I challenge the KC Metro area cycling community to develop more Cat 1 and Cat 2 riders so that my team of baggers can sit in the lower categories and rake in the dough."
Young Bent-Over had a tremendous weekend in Tulsa with a win and a 2nd despite holding back on the first night due to his own admission that he didn't want to get a forced upgrade. This wasn't no podunk circus race around the campground where he dominated the local 3/4's early in the spring and accumulated more than enough points to upgrade. This was some for real competition against other well known 'baggers. Don't go down the Cryin-Ryan lifetime Cat3 path, its not too late for you Ben. You are more than ready.

Speaking of Butt'r Ball Turkey, despite eating all those sticks of butter and not having time to train because unlike ANYONE ELSE WHO RACES, HE HAS A JOB AND A FAMILY, he continues to sandbag and grabbed himself a 2nd and 3rd this past weekend. He is an inspiration to all the fat kids out there developing their fast-twitch fibers chasin down the icecream man. Gimme a break, its time for you to CTFU!

And BTW JB, r5 gives you the OK to downgrade after watching you get blown off the back of our 3's field. At least you raced, UNLIKE THE REST OF KANSAS CITY. Not a single 360 or D's Recycling or Epic jersey in sight in Tulsa. WTF?

For those of you who pussed out and stayed home, you missed out- Tulsa knows how to put on a party! How about we try lining the gooseneck at Cliff Drive with a few kegs drums and trombones?

Stay off my lawn you Pinkos

Rapha: Because roadies don't look like big enough tools with their shaved legs rolling around looking straight out of DC Comics... Can't afford $200 for a jersey? No problem!


BAM! All for a buck 99!!


And speaking of threads, r5 is expecting some royalty checks from those unlicensed T-shirts that have been going around...