Sunday, March 7, 2010

Cat None


Heard there were only a couple 1/2's lined up today at Perry. PATHETIC. Whats worse than a sandbagger is a bunch of fat pussies who won't race. What kind of motivation is this for all the Cat3 'baggers to CTFU? Well, I bet Butt'rball Turkey is turned on...

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Do you have the balls?


TO GO KAMIKAZE BIKING WITH r5??

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Crash 5's


r5 has some road rash and palm burns to work on...
We'll continue with your regularly scheduled 'bagger baggin real soon.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Butt'rBall Turkey


This tub o' lard has been a Cat3 since he was riding with Jesus. 6+ years in the 3's is waaay too long for someone who ain't over 40 and who has nothin else to do but ride his bike and eat sticks of butter. Maybe all the time spent slathering the chamois cream on his nuts has shrunk them.

Here is what r5 has that he will not be able to dispell about his past:
1. he has been racing since approx 1994.
2. since june of 2004 he has placed top five in no less than 31 events.
3. since june of 2004 he has placed first in 6 events and holds one state championship.
4. he consistantly picks events that host a cat 3/4 race rather than a cat 2/3 event or cat 3 only to ensure that he will have a good placing. This is confirmed by usacycling stats.
5. he has not CTFU since 2004 when he clearly had accumulated enough points and placings to do so.
2004 3 top 5's
2005 8 top 5's
2006 6 top 5's
2007 6 top 5's
2008 1 top 5
2009 4 top 5's

He's a prime example of a roadie bagger who stops just short of getting a mandatory upgrade while cherry pickin races he knows he'll score some cash prizes in. He's part of the reason why there is no Cat1/2 race at Spring Fling anymore.

On a scale of 1 to 10, this guy scores an 11. -1 for actually being able to win with all those spare tires. +2 because he looks like he stiffs bartenders and never buys rounds.

Oh, and does anyone know why in the fuck they scheduled the Velotek GP on the same weekend as the Sheehan Road Race?? Its not like we're overflowing the fields here or anything.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Road Awakening


You non-cyclocrossing, five wide riding, "hold your line" yelling, red light blowing, king of the group ride Lance-wannabes are next. r5 is your redneck in the F150 horns blaring sandbagger caller outer.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Double Baggin'


Some people gotta 'bag to get a win whether its road or mud.
When you are a former domestic pro who isn't exactly over the hill and you enter the B-race at Cross Nat's then you are a bagger. r5 doesn't care that citizenship issues kept him out of the Elite race. If you used to race for Jelly Belly and Successful Living, then you shouldn't be pumping your fist afer you stomped a bunch of cat 2-3-4's.

Moving onto the road, at day one at Tulsa Tough last year, he gets smoked in the P/1 field where he actually belongs by a lot of his former pro teammates. So what does the bagger do for a win? He enters the 1/2 race the next two days even though the rest of his teammates are doing the P/1. Anything for a win! Awesome job you professional bagger!

On a scale of 1-10, he's a 12. +1 for cheating and taking an illegal pit bike at HPT. +1 for not taking off your helmet for the national anthem.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Will the Real r5 please stand up? Please stand up!


This is a public service announcement brought to you in part by r5.
"r5 does not give an eff what you think.
If you don't like it, you can suck his effin wiener.
Little did you know, upon visiting this blog, you have just kissed his ass.
r5 is fed up with your sh't.
And he's gonna keep callin out the baggers."