Not So Boss Cross

Mankini's plan to staff the Boss Cross series with Haitian child labor apparently fell thru and didnt bother telling anybody til a few days out. Pretty douche move on par with Tilford and so called local pros warming up on the course while the women's and childrens races are going on. KCA should come down hard on flaking out on prime dates but instead they are wasting time and money considering local drug testing thanks to Peckerwood's crusade. Boss Cross used to be the premier series with the best courses 'round here but this year he's bending us racers over and giving us the hog.

City Limited

r5 Challenges KC Metro racers who think they are fast to grow a pair and find out how fast they are not. Certain racers are getting a big head from beating up on our local cycling community while regional racers call out KC. Not everyone can travel but if you get a rep for trash talking, you need to back it by doing regional level races. If you think you are Cat 1 fast go out and prove it otherwise you are just King of Instagram. Everyone knows whuppin up on KCCX is so 2012.

Whos On First?

Brians on second and I Don't Give a Damn is on the juice. Dudes built like an arena league linebacker and somehow smacking around a few of our local pros while trading bails of hay on the stock market during the day. Dudes has least 14 wins this year with a string of 7 in a row, frustrating Swervford so much that he tried to chainsaw his own hand off. Word on the street is it aint ice water flowing in his veins. You guys in the P12 better guard your bums next weekend.

LOLCAT4

The reports of my death are greatly exagerated. It appears that the new crop of CXers have grown a pair and have CTFU'd long before being called out. At last count there are now at least 56 cx1/2 racers in the KC area and entries in the first few races have reflected this. Instead of just a half dozen jackoffs lining up in the open wondering how many times they were gonna get lapped by Shmalz it is now actually a competitive event: Manions1: 16, manions2: 13, Bosscross1: 14 and Bosscross2: 25!! (Gateway Cross Cup only drew 20 in the pro/1...) The current top rung of the Cx3 are catching and passing a few of the Open riders so we may have more company in the fastest race of the day very soon. So for the first year ever and to the disappointment of many, no one has earned front page honors on KC Sandbagger except this dude. UNWEIGHT THAT FRONT WHEEL DUDE!

Say what again!

You Cat3/4s at Spring Fling last weekend have got to ask yourselves "DO I LOOK LIKE A BITCH?!?" cause Mankini made you his bitch once again. You bitch's KNEW who he was, you bitch's KNEW what he was gonna do and you let him turn a crit into his personal mini-triathlon after you all SWAM in his nut juice as he TT'ed and RAN away with the SF title.
Whatever, thank you for racing and please come again.

CAT Lappin'

I ain't sayin he's a sandbagger... but dude did what the mummy always wished he could do at Spring Fling and lapped the field solo last weekend. (And DAMN how come none of you guys want to take a pull? Its fucking winter. QUIT SITTING IN FOR THE SPRINTS BITCHES!)
J-Fo been a cat3 for like 4 years though he spent most of that time in a mankini doing races that r5 shall not speak of.

Now that he's back on the road, its clear that he's totally outclassed that chump excuse for a 3/4 field and is ready to move on to butt heads with Bills boys.

And finally did you guys feel the earth shake cuz Jim Twittaker FINALLY SUBMITTED THE RESULTS BEFORE THE END OF THE SEASON!

Tuesday tuesday tuesday!

Lets hope these guys won't make you work for free and cancel races because of a 10% chance of rain and then keep all your money when they lose the venue like last year's dbag promoters.

This is how racing works:

You borrow a CX bike and destroy the 4's. Don't even wait around to get called out, CTFU then proceed to smoke the 3's. No one is gonna complain if he stays a 3 for the rest of the season since he's only done a total of 9 races. But dude lines up in the open anyway. Finish near the back of the pack in epic conditions but who cares he's gonna see what he got. With a name like this he's got a lot to live up to and it looks like he's doing it the way its supposed to be done.
*btw ditch the arm and leg warmers in conditions like this. All they do is get wet and slow you down.

Some of you bagger apologists out there would probably be ok with Tilford racing the 3/4's because if you can't beat him, then you obviously aren't working hard enough. What a load of shit. Why do you think we have categories?

And for those of you who think KC sucks when it comes to national/regional races just take a look at recent results. Couple dudes in the top 10 in the 2's at Jingle. Dudes in the top 5 and top 30s in massive fields at Louisville. And not to mention past success in the masters by your local favorite type-A 360 dbags and boys in orange. So don't gimme that shit about about not being able to compete with 2's outside our area.

And BTW KC where were you guys last weekend? You embarrassed yourselves by getting outnumbered by dudes from the east.

Math Lesson

Translation:
Roadie Cat2 racing Cyclocross 3/4 = a PIECE OF SHIT.
I guess Bob is living up to his name BOBBING around like a turd in a toilet. You should be ashamed. Your mom should be ashamed. And if you have any friends they should be ashamed. You should feel absolutely no pride in stomping the crap out of a field consisting of half beginners. Probably the worst bagger since this blog began.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, this guy scores a 20. +10 for actually smelling like shit too. Ever sat on his wheel?

Note to KCA upgrade coordinator: 2 wins = automatic upgrade. He's not the only guy in this picture that needs a letter.

Got Milk?

We all know when it comes to dirt and grass roadies turn into a bunch of tards and thus its understandable for some road 3s to be racing in the 3/4s. But 1's and 2's should never be allowed to line up in lower CX categories even if the only dismounting they've experienced was in the locker room. Bob Cumminyourmouth is a prime example. On a course with no technical sections, he easily smeared the 3/4 field at Joules which included a future sandbagger posterboy. Yeah he lined up for the Open afterwards but he had already blown his wad and had a built in excuse for not doing well. If your racing license says R2, it should not have a CX3 or CX4 next to it. And if it does, there should be a big stamp on it that says PUSSY.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, Cumminyourmouth scores an 11.5, +1.5 for the poser $7000 bike.

And BTW, congrats to Foreskinner on lining up in the Open and doing halfway decent.

ForeSkinner

This dude gives baggin' a new meaning. Foreskinner has been on a tear this year. He has won his last three races by more than just a few inches. In fact not only did he lap most of the 3's at Boss Cross, he caught up with the 8th place dude in the OPEN!

On a bagger scale of 1-10, this dude scores a 10. His weener scores a 1 inch. TIME TO SACK UP AND CAT THE FUCK UP dawg!

BTW, you Open pricks, cough *JENSEN*, need to get the fuck off the course while us 3s who pay good money to race. You assholes would throw a fit if one of us were warming up while you were racing so have some respect and get lost.

Summers Time and the Baggin is Easy

Summers-sausage has 2 full seasons of cross and multiple top 5's stuffed under his skinsuit and had the nerve to line up for a third as a cat4 at Manions. He porked the field like a cathlic priest at an all you can eat butt-fet and r5 only hopes those poor cat4 beginners were using chamois cream. Bro its time to CTFU.

Theres one less sweet ass to distract you from the lap counter this year.
On a sad note to open the season, r5 wants you all to crack open Gu gel and pour a little for homey who won't be at the starting line any more due to some shady back alley dealings by some USACK-less buttheads. Though she's hard to miss, Magretta will truly be missed this year. CX is a hard sport to score and when it aint done right all you bitches get your crossresults score bloated. Magretta did it right even though she left us all deaf and freezing at the line. Now you assholes will only have your wives left to yell at you on sundays to take the trash out.

El Baggero

After winning last friday at that fucked up Longview course Hi-me! has put another stamp in his passport to Cat3. Take a look at his results from the past year:
Police Academy 10/46
Longview 1/35
Wichita 3/25
Wichita 2/36
Gateway 5/100
Gateway 3/100
Missouri state 6/33
Sunflower 1/31
If you stack this dudes Cat4 results end to end they would cover the entire border fence. Time for USAC to come knockin at the door and upgrade this homey!

So r5 heard the Police Academy course was 10 times better than everybody thought it would be. Sometimes if you pull your head out of your suburban asses maybe you will see there is whole new world outside the Lenexa industrial park. That said, r5 hopes the Cliff Drive, KCK, and OP races make a come back some day. This fatboy has dropped many a weenie on gooseneck hill and looks forward to doing the same saturday.

Coming to a town near you!

Cherry Pickin' Daddies

Featuring two ex pros lapping a bunch of hillbillies who think threshold is what you work the cornfields with and then leading out their slow ass teammate to complete the podium sweep! Rated-R for REALLY-LAME!

So Tradewhine, why weren't you guys in St Loser getting your buttwhuppins like Merci did?

And BTW was there a good reason why TNW got cancelled last night!?!? Coulda run a senior wheelchair crit before we even got a DROP OF RAIN. AND WHO CARES IF IT RAINS? Plenty of dudes got wet out at the crit when NEET was running it...

2 Legit

Say what?? If Jb is a 2, then the entire Crashovita squad is continental pro. Dude probably thinks palmares are what he squirts lotion on before gettin on the internet.

**r5 still promises the year end Sandbaggies awards...

Hosed!

Before we begin the year end awards, a little housekeeping is in order. Dr Stinkfinger gave up a sweet powerwasher by CTFU'ing for his last race of the year. All he had to do was simply show up for the 4's and he would've won that series. That would be like r5 skipping another round at the Ameristar buffet. But instead, he raced and placed mid-pack in his first Cat3 race and learned that there were plenty of plump rumps in the new category he could easily ogle and drop. Most impressive. Props to him for CTFUing!!

Enjoy the powerwasher, JW. Time for you to CTFU!

Stay Tuned

For the first annual KC Sandbagger "Sandbaggies" awards!

Dr Stinkfinger

Colonchecks been trollin the 4's far too long and r5 has a few guesses as to why. Dude has two FULL seasons of 'cross under his belt with a total of over 20 races and most recently a couple wins where he totally annihilated the field. New year= new license- time to CTFU Coloncheck. There's plenty of plump rumps in the 3's to check out.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, this dude scores a 9.5 . +1 for rollin carbon tubbies in the 4's. -1 for old school steel. -0.5 for the wookie fur legs.

KC Sandbagger bonus: pick out the 2nd bagger in this photo!

Pure Bagger

Weens has come out of no where to be stomping on the frozen penises of the Cat3 pack this year. With six wins out of 15 races he has given pack fodder a new meaning. When he wins, its by a margin of minutes. r5 wants to know what this dude has been huffin. Dude has amassed 33 points, more than P-Cole-Train got last year!

Raggedy Andy its time to move on to a real challenge and CTFU!

She Bags! She Bags! She Bags!

Ladies and gentlemen, r5 presents to you sandbaggerkc's first girl-bagger!
Even though Chewbecca probably eats dinner at 3pm and is in bed by the early evening newscast, she races like she just stole a pack of hearing aid batteries from Walgreens. Her record is littered with 1's and 2's: this year she has no less than 6 wins and 5 second places!! Chewbecca could jump into the "men's" 4s and eat all their lunches and you know a few of those guys could stand to go on a diet.

On a scale of 1-10, Chewbecca scores a 9. -1 for the funky socks.

PS: A reminder to St Louis CX'ers as to whats to come this weekend....