Oops She Bagged it Again

Yeah, Tristina did it again and stomped the beginner 4's. Seriously, s/he should double up and do the womens field as well (I bet lil KRocket would smoke him). Forget the rules and the fact that he has way more than enough points to upgrade already. Look at who he is currently racing against and decide on how proud you should be to stomp the slow kids. Do "stand up guys" beat down on guys like this:

Look, if you can ride hard for 30 minutes and safely clear the barriers while holding in the puke, then you can go ahead and get out of the 4's.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, Tristina scores a 12.

On a related note, r5 heard that the "first timers" race was a success. Maybe this type of event should be added to future races. Congrats to the dozen or so new racers who are now eligible to be called out!

Tri-Baggin

This mail order bike riding sack-less wuss has been baggin the 4's for THREE YEARS. In 2008 he had TWO WINS and 7 top 6 finishes in 11 races overall. Two years later he's still in the 4s and bagged a win and a 2nd over the weekend, losing only to Roger Dodger but still a solid minute ahead of the Fat4s. Yeah, he's waaaay over due to CTFU. Since he does have a girl's name, he might as well line up with the women as well.

On a scale of 1-10, this dude scores an 11. +1 for the internet bike.

r5's advice to the 4s who are getting smoked by the same top 5 baggers: go ahead an CTFU and ditch those douches. Racing against faster guys for twice the distance WILL MAKE YOU FASTER. There is no glory in winning the 4's.

And for you folks who are inspired by this blog to someday be a bagger too, come out to Smithville this weekend for the beginners race. There is the regular so called "cat4 beginners" category where you'll find 'baggers like Tristan, and for this weekend only, a true "never done this before beginners category" and FREE clinic at 9am. Some of the snotty roadies out there may make it seem like an elite closed scene but once you pin on a number, you are every bit a part of the CX community.

r5 has added a new poll feature so you too can vote. Results will be added to each entry later.

Dipsy doo douch-eroo!

Whats worse than a sandbagger? A goddamn cheater!! r5 got a bunch of reports about dudes who thought it would be cool to ride around the barriers at Cross Out Cancer. Like Fun-Bobby until r5 and other racers started yelling at him for being a big douche. This picture is what you call karma, jackass.

You are at a cross race which is supposed to be fun. You are raising money to fight cancer which sucks. So you chumps who rode around the barriers must hate fun and love cancer.

Like this dude who should know much better- (correction: upon further review of the pictures, Shmalt-liquor just about ate it and was avoiding a wipeout so he is excused)

Those of you who cheated disrespected your fellow racers and the small but dedicated Livestrong Army who worked hard to put on a great race. Contador may have juiced. The whole peloton probably is juiced. But at least none of them got caught taking a detour around the Tourmalet.

On a scale of 1-10, you assholes who rode around the barriers score a +15 on the douchebag scale.

Roger Dodger

There seems to be a dearth of 3's this year with the open class at Boss Cross being the larger field! Could it be the crazy ass 60 minute race time? Or could it be some of the 4's are big time baggin'??

This Cat3 dodgin bagger is off to an impressive start to the year: a 2nd at Manions and two wins last weekend in the porked out 4's (boy was that a fat boy course). With at least 18 points scored and 11+ starts, this dude is done in the 4's.

On a 'bagger scale of 1-10, he gets a 7. -1 for the tattoo. +1 for the wussy wrist warmers- damn it wasnt that cold! Shake the sand out of your vajay-jay Roger and CTFU!

LocalSandbaggin.com

This dude is like the Tilford of the 4's. Moses Fancher is almost as old as the hills but is crushing dudes who will be subsidizing his Medicare for the next few decades. He might arrive on a Jazzy, but he races like an InATub taco through your digestive tract.

Check out his record in the CX4 "BEGINNERS" category:
-21+ races since 2007
-6 wins: FIVE last year and starting off 2010 with another one on what will be one of the toughest courses of the season at Manion's Cross.
-Countless top5's
-Way more than enough points to upgrade.
-His TT times places him in the Cat2 range, coming within seconds of guys like Bleser, Weinbeck and Price, and beating guys like Songer and Bissell who are all racing CX3 and above.

Its time for Moses to stop toying with the boys in the 20 minute race and start ripping legs in the 50+ minute 3's where he belongs.

On a scale of 1-10, this dude scores an 11. +1 for starting off the new season with a friggin win.

EDIT:
r5 forgot to mention that it appears that the Crashovita crew struck gold with this venue. The hillside course flowed smoothly and had lots of great features. You wouldn't know you were in Kansas with the view from the top. The beer was flowing, the tacos frying, and cowbells banging. 2010 KC cross season is off to a good start.

Corn-hole-shot

When r5 was in college, an anatomy professor was lecturing on the digestive system and stated that it takes 8 hours for food to go from mouth to butt. r5 knew better and wanted to know "Why does corn come out quicker?" Professor was stumped.

As cyclocross mirrors life, r5 found a couple of kernels from Nubraska in the sandbagging pile of turd worthy of being called out:
Crist the Cornking and Husker-DooDoo-Schmidt.
Last year at Capital Cup, Cornking had a big crash yet still motored up to finish 2nd, dusting a solid local field. At Boulevard Cup, he simply rode away from the outclassed pack. With high placings at Jingle Cross, he cemented his status as a bagger who definitely needs to CTFU.

His buddy Husker-Doodoo-Schmidt finished 23 races as a Cat4 in 2009, winning one and placing top 5 multiple times. His cat4 tenure has almost been as long as Pumpkin' Head's who finally appears to have CTFU'd this year.

On a scale of 1-10, both of these guys score perfect 10s.

Rosco P COLE-TRAIN

This seasons's first official CX post begins where we started off last year. At KC Cup Cyclocole showed us all that he had been ready for the open class since the Bush years. r5 heard he demolished the field at Swope, finishing second only to Deuce-Bagalow. Was there any doubt that he was 'baggin big time last year??? It'll be interesting to see how he does on a course with a little less singletrack against the boys in orange. r5 predicts that Bill will be tossing his bike more than once this year after getting smoked by Cowtown. And speaking of which, the orange let down in Hermann doesn't count since it was only two friggin laps. Come to KC and get another taste, Shotgun.

A new feature this year will be the anti-baggers of the week. Dudes who might wanna cat-the-fuck-down after last weeks performance:

1. Richard Who-Dat: dude almost got called out last year, CTFU like a man, but got lapped by all the 3's at Swope.

2. Poo-Face: dude got called out in the 3's last year, but then also proceeded to get thoroughly smoked at Swope.

3. Oh-Face: dude wants to race open but got smoked by St Louis racers in the 3s!??

4. Haynes-her-way: dude should just be doing the girls race. Juniors that is.

And finally whats up with all you road weenies wrapping your bikes and faces around the trees in the singletrack? Props to 360 for making a CX course thats a little more CHALLENGing than a roll in the hay with your second cousin.