Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Butt'rBall Turkey


This tub o' lard has been a Cat3 since he was riding with Jesus. 6+ years in the 3's is waaay too long for someone who ain't over 40 and who has nothin else to do but ride his bike and eat sticks of butter. Maybe all the time spent slathering the chamois cream on his nuts has shrunk them.

Here is what r5 has that he will not be able to dispell about his past:
1. he has been racing since approx 1994.
2. since june of 2004 he has placed top five in no less than 31 events.
3. since june of 2004 he has placed first in 6 events and holds one state championship.
4. he consistantly picks events that host a cat 3/4 race rather than a cat 2/3 event or cat 3 only to ensure that he will have a good placing. This is confirmed by usacycling stats.
5. he has not CTFU since 2004 when he clearly had accumulated enough points and placings to do so.
2004 3 top 5's
2005 8 top 5's
2006 6 top 5's
2007 6 top 5's
2008 1 top 5
2009 4 top 5's

He's a prime example of a roadie bagger who stops just short of getting a mandatory upgrade while cherry pickin races he knows he'll score some cash prizes in. He's part of the reason why there is no Cat1/2 race at Spring Fling anymore.

On a scale of 1 to 10, this guy scores an 11. -1 for actually being able to win with all those spare tires. +2 because he looks like he stiffs bartenders and never buys rounds.

Oh, and does anyone know why in the fuck they scheduled the Velotek GP on the same weekend as the Sheehan Road Race?? Its not like we're overflowing the fields here or anything.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Road Awakening


You non-cyclocrossing, five wide riding, "hold your line" yelling, red light blowing, king of the group ride Lance-wannabes are next. r5 is your redneck in the F150 horns blaring sandbagger caller outer.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Double Baggin'


Some people gotta 'bag to get a win whether its road or mud.
When you are a former domestic pro who isn't exactly over the hill and you enter the B-race at Cross Nat's then you are a bagger. r5 doesn't care that citizenship issues kept him out of the Elite race. If you used to race for Jelly Belly and Successful Living, then you shouldn't be pumping your fist afer you stomped a bunch of cat 2-3-4's.

Moving onto the road, at day one at Tulsa Tough last year, he gets smoked in the P/1 field where he actually belongs by a lot of his former pro teammates. So what does the bagger do for a win? He enters the 1/2 race the next two days even though the rest of his teammates are doing the P/1. Anything for a win! Awesome job you professional bagger!

On a scale of 1-10, he's a 12. +1 for cheating and taking an illegal pit bike at HPT. +1 for not taking off your helmet for the national anthem.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Will the Real r5 please stand up? Please stand up!


This is a public service announcement brought to you in part by r5.
"r5 does not give an eff what you think.
If you don't like it, you can suck his effin wiener.
Little did you know, upon visiting this blog, you have just kissed his ass.
r5 is fed up with your sh't.
And he's gonna keep callin out the baggers."

Skate or Die!


This is an example of a dude who like an unwashed chamois probably stuck around too long in the 4's.
Here are his Cat4 results in 2009:
12/38, 12/34, 5/39, 3/27, 3/26, 3/28, 1/11* Nov1, 3/40, 3/25.

After a string of four top 5's, he breaks through with a win at Sunflower Cross on November 1st. This is probably where he should've moved on up and made room in the 4's for the next bagger. To his credit, he often doubled up and did the 3/4's which further showed that he was more than ready to get out of the beginner's class. And it does appear that he CTFU to 3 at the start of 2010. But r5 reserves the right to retroactively call out baggers.

On a 'bagger scale of 1-10, he scores a 6.8. Bonus point for the cool tattoos and not looking like your typical cycling douchebag.

Friday, February 5, 2010

KC Sandbagger internet meme weekender edition


Someone suggested that I call this dude out but crossresults must be busted because I can't find his results. So instead, we'll do dopplegangers and urban dictionary entries since its all the rage.

Urban Dictionary entry for JB:

1. To trip over a barrier:
Dude I got so wasted last night that I JB'd over that hooker when I got up in the middle of the night to read Kc Sandbagger.

2. To incessantly jibber jabber while others are trying to concentrate:
Dude I missed my damn callup because my teammate wouldn't stop JBing and made me accidently slather Mad Alchemy on my nuts.

3. To completely blow:
Dude I was tryin to hang with Marshall and the boys up Renner but completely JBed and pretended like I got a flat.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Race of the Year?

Kansas State Championships

Cold, wet and sloppy?

Or

Topeka HPT Grand Prix

Hot, fast and dry?

Which was your favorite race of the year?
I know how your wife likes it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Steve V.


Dunno nothin about his bike handling skills but it appears as though he can handle a triple axe.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Give Away Contest!


Stay tuned folks!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Kansas City is King of the B's


You usually don't go accusing Cat1's of sandbagging because what are they supposed to CTFU to next? There aint no Chuck Norris CX category yet.

But still, you can't help but raise an eyebrow when you check the results of the so called "B" race at cross nationals and find that the winner is a Cat1. Second place was also a Cat1, but the rest of the top 10 finishers were 2's and 3's. So either he should not be in a race labelled as "B" and he was big time baggin, or they need to better define what "B" means. Its a question that others have brought up as well.

We all know what "B" means for the roadies out at the Tuesday nighter. For others, "B" means trolling the 2AM crowd at Blonde for some fat drunk chick to take home because the ladies at Biggs weren't havin it. And for r5, "B" means bustin out the Butt'r and Barelylegal-dot-com because his Real Doll sprung a leak.

As I understand it, Cat1 is elite. And it appears as though there is an "Elite" class and an "Open" masters class at nationals so you get to do more than one race with all that travel. At least he didn't pump his damn fist like a certain ex-pro did for winning the B's at Tiffany Springs in 08.

So F-it, maybe KC should dust off Tilford and send him to Oregon next year and make it three in a row. He could probably win the B's on a Huffy with two flat tires.